“Oh”

She sits satisfied in the tall grass,
Watching each blade scratch her leg as she lets the time pass…
And as each tear from the sky helps her hide her own
A quick flick from her wrist blurs her eyes that roam…

“Oh” is enough of a sentance to confide,
in the trees and the breaze that hold her up tonight.
“Oh” is enough of a sigh of releif
As she slips into total and utter defeat…

The bitter taste of former sweet lingers off her lips,
Remanice, do forget, oh please grant me this…
Fading but waiting to leave, it’s frustraiting…
Pacing but hesitating cause she longs for a painting…

Of a picture with her,
Oh she’s so picturesque,
Cause when you look at one dimension you always miss the rest..
Cause after the picture she hid her head and wept,
Not just cry, or tear up, it’s a post smile of unrest…

And “Oh” is enough of a sentance to confide,
That your not listening to the words that he avoids every night…
Fading but waiting to leave, it’s frustraiting…
But lately he finds that it’s so entertaining…

He stands up tall against the lip of a cliff,
And each kiss that it gives is a gust where he might slip…
And as each breath he breaths becomes increasingly shallow,
It’s magnified and justified by the canyons great echo…

The scent of content that floats from a hundred miles away,
He can see the light of a star that might not exist today…
Is he chasing something or nothing that’s too far away,
To make out an idea or actual shape.

THIS is a Conversation

This is a conversation. It is not a flow of semi-agreeable comments and recollection of the day’s events. It is the understanding of the meaning of what was said, and challenging it. Referring it into your own life and bringing out that example to see if it makes sense. Or embracing it; but not as a vague sentence that was spoken, but as an actual opinion that is based on time, experience, and observation. Whether it be right or wrong, who’s to say? But it’s the effort of understanding and progression that can keep me up with someone till the morning. Often I find that topics come full circle, but not in a repetitive way. It is more of a refined way. Like each time the subject is repeated upon it has more layers. And because of the basic relativity to the world you will find that by comparing experiences, although obviously not the same, the lesson is the same. This is the main difference between an experience, and a memory or part of a moment.
We’ve all been here. When you talk about a certain experience you always say it with some intention. An intention and a lesson. I hate when I’m talking about a moment, like about how I’m lonely, and I bring up an instance of sleeping alone and cold. And then the other person starts talking about the cold. They miss the point because they are listening to what I said. Not why I said it. Trivial conversation has it’s place, but it is defined by the ever present thought of leaving the situation. And it is very clear. For with each question you will receive a short answer, in which leads into nothing. And the saddest most pitiable fact is that I can probably recall all of the people and names, in whom I’ve had “real” discussions with. “Real” moments with. It really isn’t that everyone doesn’t have the possibility to be humanly contradicting and uncertain, but it’s the fact that most people don’t want to be. They find it appealing to be calm. Collectedly ignorant, blended faces that don’t question. My father once said. “One day there will be a point where we will have to just use the answers we’ve been given and stop questioning.” but he was only partially right, I have grown to realize. We need to take the answers we are given, use them to their fullest, and continue to ask questions. To doubt. To fail. In the moments.
Which leads me to the ever prominent phrase. “Live for the moments.” Do you really understand that? For the longest time I didn’t. I just basically understood that some moments were better than others. But now I understand, but it came with hindsight. Retrospect. In the way as, you know those times. When someone asks what you did last week.  “Well, basically I worked and. Uh.”
Well that week will be another week that you will forget existed. That was just a measure of time. But the moments. In ten years what will I remember about this year? I will remember the Broncos losing to the Pittsburg Stealers in AFC Championship a game away from the Super Bowl. I will remember Saddam’s capture video, and the release of Martha Stuart. I will remember my little brother taking his first steps and learning his first sounds. I will remember that I had loved and lost. I remember these moments because they stood out in their fullest detail. How each event made me smile or cry. How each breath felt during them. I’ll remember how small the world was to me. Those were the moments that made up my year. Three or four days that stood out of three hundred and sixty-five. But I could tell you more about those three days than the rest of the months before and after.
And it’s these defining moments that so many people miss that make me search endlessly for one that stands out. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems that the world has put too many sweets on their grocery list. We aren’t getting enough of what we really need because we are all just to busy to enjoy the moment.
Even my parents. My dad just always seemed just a little too tired from work to ever want to throw a football with me. And I know, if he had, he would have enjoyed it a whole lot more than his day at work. But he assumed that I didn’t mind just because I didn’t tell him.
Assuming has brought the world to a wonderful place, hasn’t it? My father is a doctor, and his father before him was a lawyer. I am assumed to be as rich and successful as they are, even though it isn’t what I want to be. And outside of my own life. Every president that there will ever be will be criticized made fun of. And that is because the world now assumes that every president is an idiot, before they are even given a chance to prove themselves. The people find something they don’t like about him and they make it all he is.
And sexism? The largest product of assumption. When I wake up in the morning I don’t say. “I am a man; now watch as I fill this mold.” I wake up as, “I am me, watch me live.” I am a human who just happens to like women. I have come across too many people who think of themselves as their gender and too often do I find them filling a pre set standard. Not being able to see themselves doing certain things because they have their life set in this box of rules, using their gender as an excuse to fail.
If you are a woman, you are not a woman to me. What you are to me is an object of desire. You are the possibility that I won’t be alone. You are the future I don’t have planned. You are sexually enticing, robbing me of composure. Jumpstarting my heart with those millions of kilo watts that run through your eyes and smile. You to me, could one day be my everything. You to me, could one day be just one. A unity of souls.’
And if you are a man, you are not a man to me. What you are is a person, who might share the same outlook on life as me, and could one day be my close friend who I turn to for help. You are competition, adventure, and understanding.
The moments will decide, if you give me one.
And how did I reach these conclusions? By trying to fit the mold and failing. I wasn’t good enough at anything to be great and loved. And I wasn’t bad enough at anything to be awful and hated. I was just there, just me, just a part of someone else’s moment. Part of a moment I didn’t want to remember.
My point is that too much in life as tried to capture all of my attention and keep me worried. Too much in life has kept me only fearing what time will bring, instead of looking at my life in expectation of a new and exciting moment. I’m not going to remember my small failures. Or trivial success. Only the three or four days of every years that made me stop, and look at where I am standing. There is something that defines you, being left to play with toy soldiers in your room growing up. You learn to value your time with your soldiers, because the world is forcing you to be like your father. To be like everyone else. To miss the moments that define us.

The World is Graying

At what point do people stop dreaming? 

At what point do people stare at the stars and are content that they will never see them.  That they will never be revered, that they will be forgotten, and there existence is nearly non important. 

At what point do they decide the world is too big to conquer, that control is something that they’ll never have, and that the never had it.  

At what point do they decide that Africa is something to far away or fantastic to go see.  

At what point is a picture enough… 

At what point do people bend and compromise to the man, saying I’ll sell you my soul for an envied status quo?  And at that point that you’ve agreed to live for someone elses dream because it’s easier than living and starting your own?

At what point did we decide that everyone is a winner. That the cripple is just as apt for playing football as the athlete, that the deaf person can hold a communications job? and at that point why did we decide that we can’t disappoint? 

At what point did we decide that we have to accommodate for people so they may live comfortably? That I can’t say, “That’s her, the black girl!” Even if she’s the only black girl in the room and that’s how it’s easiest to pick her face out of a crowd. 

At what point did we decide that crying and pain isn’t a part of growing.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -CS Lewis

At what point did we decide that our song, our voice is not worth listening to, that singing is not worth the breath we use.

At what point do we decide that every one is right, we just see it differently…

And at that point why don’t we see that we have just eliminated good and evil.

“Why are you scared to dream of god when it’s salvation that you want?” -Bright eyes

And all we have created for ourselves is a world where everything is in a shade of gray until the pitch black of death, and the white light of judgment pick us apart.

“A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended and you may be afraid
But don’t walk away, don’t walk away” -Bright Eyes

At what point did we decide that growing meant accepting the world we live in. Have you heard about the man who beat himself into the ground trying to change life. Could life be a world with no super heroes, no good vs evil, nothing that worth dying for or living for, just because someone else doesn’t see it that way… and we can’t say their wrong.?

“And if you swear that there’s no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you’re right?”-Bright eyes

Night Dreaming

And Ive been here before
No ones knocking at the door.
Im just wating for anything to happen
Anything at all.Good or bad
Just not something average

And I dont feel like Im
Quite living this life right
Its ok, and Im fine.
But things are so ok.
I couldnt fall if I tried.
I dont care enough to cry
When I wake up I just ask why..
What do I do this for.

Fly me on a plane
Clouds and a jetstream washing away
My past
Changing roads again
I was just waiting for
this to happen
Excuse me I need a break from
This pause in living

I vacation in my day dreams
I dream of having a feeling..
Or crying or of smilin.
Just something I cant hold in

Like Saying I love you,
Or knowing that I really do
Or being scared to leave and lose

And I dont feel like Im
Quite living this life right
Its ok, and Im fine.
But things are so ok.
I couldnt fall if I tried.
I dont care enough to cry
When I wake up I just ask why..
What do I do this for.

I do it for the time when she calls
And my heart skips a beat
And when she holds me close
And I cant stay on my feet

I do this for when I look at
Her right when were sleepin
And when I wake up and thank the lord every day.

I do this for me
And it seems so lonely
But when you were near me,
It just seemed to make sense

So Im drifting away
In the memories of yesterday
So If you want to repay me a visit
You know Im fine with all that,
Because you were not less than flawless in your own way,
And youre not perfect but to me you were

Ask Me to Love You

I stay up all night and I write you a letter
To explain myself better
But I’m stuck in the dearI’m full of one liners to keep you impressed
But his lack of interest
Seems to best my attempt

I probably deserve this from something I did
Probably treated some kid
Too poorly for God

And so I’ll take my lashes but I’ll never be still
At least not until
Your hand is in mine

It’s four in the morning I should probably lay down
But my heart’s stuck on this
And I’m breathing to loud
And I’m hoping too hard and I’m starting to pray
That God to start working
In obvious ways
So go to bed crying but know all that you need
Is to ask me to love you
And grow old beside me

Those we hurt most are often those we love most
But I don’t think it’s supposed
To make you cry every night

They say love is to give and lust is to get
I’ll be the first to admit
I think you’ve got it all wrong

There comes a time where you have to decide
To live a whole life
Or start something new

And I would imagine a decision like that
Should hang on more than some looks
And on more than some cash

You say, “How can I love and not be loved in return?”
I say, “Yeah, I hear that,” and give you my word.
You say, “Who do you love that’s not giving you your own?”
I tell her, “Look at the clock, it’s almost time to go.”

Another Summer

Another summer turns to ice
Yet I fail to recognize
When I look into your eyes
What will become of you and ISomewhere between paper and pen
Take a breath and count to ten
The paper moves under my lead
I should have left this all unsaid

Hellos and goodbyes, my name resides
Behind your tongue, alone unsung
I lie awake, screaming your name
Nowhere to hide, nowhere to hide
Close my eyes and start to cry
“At least I tried, at least I tried…”

I’m counting stars to pass the time
And keeping constellations set aside
To give to you in the morning
To think of me every night

Somewhere between paper and pen
We might have never been
And that is why I’ll use this lead
To tell you all that’s left unsaid

Hellos and goodbyes, my name resides
Behind your tongue, alone unsung
I lie awake, screaming your name
Nowhere to hide, nowhere to hide
Close my eyes and start to cry
“At least I tried, at least I tried…”

I asked God to show me life
And he showed me how to be
I asked God to show me purpose
And he showed me how to breathe
I asked God to show me love
He gave me you

Hellos and goodbyes, my name resides
Behind your tongue, alone unsung
I lie awake, screaming your name
Nowhere to hide, nowhere to hide
Close my eyes and start to cry
“At least I tried, at least I tried…”

Another summer turns to ice
Yet I fail to recognize

The Undecided

If I could have done something differently
I would have said I loved you when it would have meant something
Not just a word to discard like another excuse to leave
And I’ll never understand how something so perfect could fail

It just doesn’t make sense
It hurts so bad to know
You’re crying all alone
It hurts so bad to know
You’re sitting at home
It hurts so bad to know
Erasing memories of me
Erase the memories

I know I never took a moment for granted I thanked the lord every day
For giving me this one, it was my reason to wake up
I know it must feel strange to read about yourself while your moving on
But just as stubbornly as you walk away is just as stubbornly as I stand in

It just doesn’t make sense
It hurts so bad to know
You’re crying all alone
It hurts so bad to know
You’re sitting at home
It hurts so bad to know
Erasing memories of me
Erase the memories

Bottles of feeling stored up somewhere you keep them far from your heart
Locked in your diary where I wrote a page expecting to come back some day
Burn, burn, the pages turn, faces lost in the smoke
Move, move, it feels so unsafe to get stronger by being broke

There’s no coming back to where we
It’s just a feeling that eats at my gut
But my heart holds on
The strongest muscle in my body I’m surprised it hasn’t stopped
Beating from the beating it took and will take again
Hearts never let go of the memories they try to forget

Our song I keep on humming it, in my head
Can she even listen to these words and not regret
Our song I keep on humming it, in my head
Can she even listen to these words and not regret

At the end of each sentence you see three dots
That’s the part where I gather my thoughts
Remembering words you said, the things you wrote
And the hearts you broke
The last words that you said were good night
But what you meant was, “I hope that you don’t die.”
“I hope your ready to live life alone”
As quickly as I came in I’m about to go

It just doesn’t make sense
It hurts so bad to know
You’re crying all alone
It hurts so bad to know
You’re sitting at home
It hurts so bad to know
Erasing memories of me
Erase the memories

I want to look into your eyes just to see if there’s anything that matches mine
Any hint that you miss me
Andy hint that we were more than a dream
Cause that’s what it feels like to me

Someday, When I’m Younger

Someday, when I’m younger
I won’t learn to love another
I’ll stay strong and I’ll stay steady
Even if my heart gets heavy
I’ll get married and have a family
I’ll stay strong and I’ll stay steady
Cause traveling gets you nowhere
When your walking in the darkAnd someday when I’m wiser
I’ll try not to be a liar
I’ll stay honest I’ll stay humble
Even if it makes me tremble
I’ll be brave and I’ll be kind
I’ll stay honest I’ll stay humble
Cause lying gets you nowhere
When you’re lying to yourself

And someday when I’m loved
I’ll believe it’s not enough
I’ll keep staying I’ll keep trying
To keep that love from dying
Even if were always fighting
I’ll keep staying I’ll keep trying
Cause even if it’s miserable
At least I’ll still be normal

And someday, when I’m younger
I’ll watch couples love each other
I’ll stay strong and I’ll stay steady
Even if my heart gets heavy
I’ll pretend I’m always happy
I’ll stay strong and I’ll stay steady
Cause love’s not about how good you feel
And all about what you do

And someday, when I’m dying
I’ll regret every minute

Beginning of it All

He watches clouds role by
As his day unfolds
He looks into her eyes
And he feels the hole
Inside his heart
She’s the missing piece
But he hides his love
Because he’s afraid of what she thinksAnd she’s the face he sees when he wakes up
And she’s the smell on the breeze as his day starts
And she’s the word he sings
When anyone says, “I love you.”
I love you

He takes her by the hand
She holds him by the heart
She is on the edge
About to fall apart
She presses close
Her breath upon his neck
She’s waited forever
She hopes this never ends

And he’s the face she sees when she wakes up
And he’s the smell on the breeze as her day starts
And he’s the word she sings
When anyone says, “I love you.”
I love you

She gazes at the stars
He can feel it inside
He wishes she
Was here tonight
He dares not tell her
Because in his mind
He fears that she
Won’t respond in kind

And she’s the face he sees when he wakes up
And she’s the smell on the breeze as his day starts
And she’s the word he sings
When anyone says, “I love you.”
I love you

He looks into the wind
He hears her nearby
He wonders where
They’re headed with their lives
He wonders if
He should reveal his lies
But instead he turns
To his pain inside

And she’s the face he sees when he wakes up
And she’s the smell on the breeze as his day starts
And she’s the word he sings
When anyone says, “I love you.”
I love you

Before I Fall Asleep

I couldn’t sleep tonight
Cause I was too scared to close my eyes
Too scared to leave reality behind
And slip into a dream
The kind where you wake up crying
The kind I have when you aren’t thinking of meAnd I know I’ll keep on breathing
Even if it’s not for you
And I know my heart will keep beating
But I’m scared to death
Of living without you

I stayed awake and watched my phone
To see if I’d get a text goodnight
But it never rang and it breaks my heart
To think you fell asleep
Without even a worry
Without even a word from me

Before I pass out
I just want to say
That I love you in every way
And if you ever decide
That you need me in your life
I’ll be here with my arms open wide