Looking In the Same Direction Together

This must be it. The worst. The bottom of the bottle…How do you convince someone that they are worth being loved? How do you show them that they are your single reason for breathing? God, I want to show her how to live! I want her to see how happy it is; love. I love her, but it’s like a two way mirror. I can only see me trying my hardest to show her ever day that I will love her for the rest of my life, but I can’t see what she’s feeling. I can’t even see it affect her. How do you love someone who doesn’t respond?

The worst part is knowing that her friends are always there with her, laughing and cheering her up, telling her to forget about me. Removing my name, and instead placing the label “that guy from Colorado that drove here” in its place. Her family will no longer appreciate me. I will be forgotten. I’m something they’ll cherish, but learn not to miss.

I try telling her how I feel, and I try not to avoid saying anything in fear of what she might think. Every second I’m not around her, I feel like I’m missing out. She says that I don’t know her, but she is ALL I KNOW. And she thinks I’m a creepy obsessed kid that can’t get enough of her. She thinks Im too nice. Too loving. Honest to God, every time I see her face, every time her eyes hit mine. Every time she smiles because of me, I feel this way. I see her and I picture a happiness that I can’t even explain. I want to give to her and share with her everything that I have and know, I want to share my past, I want to share every detail of my life with her, and I want to hear every detail of hers. I could honestly sit and listen to her talk to me for days about HER. It’s like I crave it, every new thing that I find out about her makes me even more excited to find out something more. It’s like in that movie Big Fish. It’s like, just learning something as insignificant as her middle name makes my day worth it.

Those feelings faded from her the moment I showed up at her door. People always look better from a distance, or in the failing light, but when they are right there, looking you in the eye, you notice their flaws. Suddenly, Im not enough anymore. I am desperately trying to find her again but she doesnt want t be found. I am not waiting for her because I THINK I will find it in her, its because I NEED to find it in her. Every single thing about her in my eyes is perfect. Her friends dont understand. They tell me shes not worth it. They tell me all these flaws, and how not big of a deal it is, but they dont understand that to me she is flawless. To me she is heaven, despite all the dirt, she shines through it all in my mind. Her outlook on life, her value of friendship, her need to do things herself, like take out my splinter, and make my canned soup. How she loves scary movies, but hates to be scared in real life. The color of her toenail polish, the smell on her clothes. Her smile, her laugh. The way she looks different in every picture. And how she sleeps until 5 p.m. every day, do I need to go on? I notice everything about her! And everything she tells me about her life, and everything that has happened to her, I wish I could relive it and be a part of it, but instead I just pretend. And I want more than anything to create new memories with her and share them and look back on them with her happy, and I know that’s something I can do with her as a frien, but something inside me wants more. not lustful more, I just don’t want to be the one she shares stuff with before she goes home to the one she really loves at the end of each day. I want to hold her, support her, kiss her, and embrace her. I know I could give her the things she needs, but I feel that she doesnt want it to be me that gives her those things. Her distancing herself from me is not going to prevent her from hurting. It’s just going to prolong it. Love hurts at first, its scary as hell, but then it is forever breathtaking.

And I have always been so scared to say whats on my mind, and what my heart is feeling, because I am afraid of what it would mean if I failed. Failure keeps me locked up, and safe. But right now I am saying FUCK all that. Fuck failing again. I dont want her to worry about anything but what she feels. If me leaving her alone for a while right now is what it would take, then I’ll do it. As long as I know shell still be there when the dust clears. She stays locked in herself, going back to abusive ex-boyfriends in fear that she won’t find anything better that will have her. Dont hold back. I want to tell her right now that I would leave my life for her and if it called for it, my home, BECAUSE I AM HAPPIER AROUND HER and I know that I would find it all again and more in HER. I don’t even really know why or where that comes from sometimes, but I have never been happier than when I’m around her, just her and me. She tells me “maybe if the timing had been different things would have gone differently.” To HELL with that concept, she is no better than me if she thinks that way, stopping what she thinks could be right in fear of hurting someone else.

I am begging her on my knees to tell me how she REALLY FEELS, even though it may be too late, because she may have moved on and tried to find those feelings in someone else. She doesnt feel like she deserves ANYTHING MORE THAN CONTENTMENT! I say go for gold, don’t go for happy, or happier, go for happiest. And I see that I could have that in her, and I really think that maybe she sees that she could have that in me but is too afraid of what that could mean.

Every day I see it happening to someone, every day I see someone reach that happiest state, and I want it for me so bad. I see old couples holding hands and I think of how far they have come with that person that they are holding hands with, and how many memories they have had together and how many struggles and confusions and I wonder when it was, when they first held hands. When they first reached out to one another, despite all the doubt and logic telling them that it wasn’t what was best. And I think to myself that those times are now, with her and me, the seeds that could grow to something incredible, or die out before it began, but we will never know unless we lift that finger toward the other person, and open our arms and let them in close, where we are most vulnerable.

I always compare myself to my friends, and others around me, and the only aspect I can think of me not doing that would be that every little skill I have, I want it to be for her, to better us, to bring me closer to her, and her to me. Every little thing I’m good at, I want to be good at so that I can share it with her, I want to sing to her, and write about her, and play the little guitar I know for her, and NOT because it makes me feel better about myself or builds my confidence, it’s because I like to see her smile, and those things make her smile, and she deserves them. And the thing that sets it apart from every other relationship I’ve ever had is that I don’t expect anything back from her. Just a glance my way or a smile makes it all worth it. I want to give and give and give because giving to her is what I feel like my purpose is, my reason for breathing, and I feel selfish whenever I do something that isn’t for her. I don’t even know how these feelings came to me so fast, maybe it is the storybook love at first sight” thing that I’m feeling, I don’t know, but I do know that something is there and it’s worth fighting for. It’s worth exploring and worth taking the time to discover more. It kills me that I haven’t had a means of putting in that time, the time that is necessary to get to know someone, and distance keeps her and me so far apart physically, but it shouldnt keep us apart emotionally. But I gave it my all to give her that time we needed. Even when it meant driving across three states only to have to turn around with less than I started with.

She felt something for me once, and I know it was real. And every night I pray that that moment will come back. The moment she said she loved me. That was the most perfect moment of my life, hearing her comfort in my voice, and I want to comfort her with my voice every night like that. It’s so not about how hot I think she is or anything like that, or I that think I deserve her or she deserves me, it’s just that it all is so right, so why question that? No matter how I look at it, what angle I view it from, I can’t see anything bad coming from her. I am standing here with open arms telling her that I would give her my all and everything that I am, and I would say that to her face if I thought it would stand for something… But I can’t keep it up; I can’t live my whole life trying to get my point across to her. If she sincerely doesnt see anything in me worth making a sacrifice for or taking a step that she feels is risky or uncomfortable, then I will never be worth it, and I have to move on, which means that it will be hard for me to see her with someone else, if not impossible. Although, I would support her because I love her and want her to be loved. But it would be hard seeing that, wishing that I could give her the things he was. But I would live with it because I would have to, because I would want to be as close to her as I possibly could.

She told me that writing was my strong point, so maybe it will help me reach for the stars, maybe it will help me take that leap of faith off a thousand foot cliff, hoping to God that she will catch me, kind of like the ending in the movie Hitch. I am willing to give up everything hoping that I will find it all again and more in her, but it all lies in her and whether or not she wants to catch me or watch me fall, sincerely wishing me a happy landing. I don’t want her to think that I would die without her, because in no means is that true, but fuck the don’t jump at opportunities thing. I see this one, right here, right now, and why wait? How many times do we say, oh well it will come again so why worry? How many times do we sit back and watch our opportunity fade and watch it open for somebody else and work out for them. If you think like that, you are no better that the guys from dumb and dumber, when the bus of girls drives by and they tell them to go to the city and then say “oh well, we will catch our break, we just gotta keep our eyes open…” How many buses have past both of us? And we just send it on down the road to find someone else? Well my eyes are open now, and I see her. Fuck what anybody thinks.

I’m not saying it’s now or never, because I don’t think that’s ever the case, but I am so worried that she will find someone that she’s only content with and will be too afraid to end it with them in fear that it was the wrong decision. If someone comes around that does make her feel more loved than I make her feel, then I will be completely happy for her, but until then I worry, she deserves so much more than she thinks she does, and I want to give it to her, but that’s only for me, I cant make her feel anything. Hopefully this meant something and will let her know a little more about my situation. Every poem and song I wrote about her all can be found in what I am trying to get across here. I know that I want these feelings in her more than anything, but I have to realize that maybe it can’t happen. I want to remember lying with her out with the deer, lol. Watching gross movies with her, cuddling with her, talking to her for hours, talking to her on msn messenger and finding out more about her. Time stands still when I’m with her, and everything we ever did together seems to have happened in one instance and I don’t want that moment to end, I want this moment forever with her, and I want to make more memories like those with her, and not memories of her wishing me away and erasing me out of her life.

Anyway, that was my leap and I hope she will take hers, but maybe shes not ready, and maybe this was all for nothing and she really has forgotten me already. But think of this as my “running down the aisle at the last minute screaming I OBJECT at the top of my lungs” scene. We tested the water. IT WAS WARM, now lets jump in! I can only leave her with this.

Love isnt finding the perfect person; its seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

I love you, if you are still there to be loved.

I Hate How Love is So Easy to Come to Hate

hate how love is so easy to come to hate. Its truly is like God. You keep believing, you keep telling yourself its real, and then you are constantly let down. How do you commit yourself to something that fucks you over EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. The harder you try, the more it hurts.

I want her to hate me. I want to hate her. I wish she never told me she loved me. I wish I never believed her. This is the song material. The stuff you can write about forever. Love has boundaries, hate has none. And I know your thinking the opposite. Love has no boundaries, and hate is a cage. But there are so many things that can happen to end love. Nothing can end hate. Except for love, and that is why life is so damn complicated. And thats why so many people grow to hate, its easier. Hate needs no justification, but love needs constant justification.

Am I justified? Am I justified to fight for this love? Am I justified to want her and only her for the rest of my life? She has justification to erase me. She has justification to hate me. Because she doesnt love me, thats why.

It’s like stage fright, only the whole world is watching, not just an audience. They are all watching me, judging me, laughing at my misfortune and thinking that they no better than I do, what it means to love and to lose. They presume to know, and maybe some of them do, but its not the same for me. Its not the same for anyone. Love feels different for every person out there, because we define what love is. We set the bar. I set my bar too high.

I hate doing this. I hate writing knowing that this will reach every one of you. But it wont reach her. You all will read this, and feel my pain, and tell me that you would never do that, and tell me that I am loved, but I wasnt asking for your love. I appreciate it, but I wasnt asking for it. I asked for her love, and no matter how many things I write, no matter how many songs I sing, it wont ever reach the one it was about, because they arent listening.

How do you make somebody listen? You cant. And it helps me realize exactly how much pressure God himself has. A world of people, ignorant to the love he has for them. Shunning him out and refusing to hear him knocking again and again. If its this bad for one person, imagine 6 billion. This is why God cant solve everybodys problems. They have to come to him and let him in first.

I want her to let me in. I want to help her through her problems. But right now Im erased. Im forgotten, as if I never even existed. I hate how she can forget all the moments, but I hate even more that I CANT forget them. Two months ago I didnt even know her, and I was fine. But now, I cant imagine life without her, and its killing me that she is forcing me to live life without her. Why cant I go back to how it was. I would guess that that is because before, I was searching for her, and now, after I found the treasure, I lost it. Before I knew it was out there somewhere waiting to be found. Now I know that I wont ever find it. Its gone.

I am the dog eared page. She needed me because she was depressed. I made her happy, shes happy now, and doesnt need me anymore, but maybe she will come back for a moment when shes depressed again. Flip back to me, and enjoy the feeling again before leaving once more.

These are the moments they say take your breath away, and these are the moments they thought lasted forever.

I Know You’re Out There Somewhere, Girl

Let me first say that this isn’t a copy paste or a stolen idea, this is me.I know your out there, somewhere, girl. Waiting to be loved. Waiting to be wanted. The ugly duckling, that started a nobody and bloomed late, and now is beautiful, but still has values.

You won’t run, or hide when you start to care, instead you’ll embrace me because you know I love you, and would never hurt you when I know you were only vulnerable because you were commiting yourself to me.

You would’t chase me away because you felt you weren’t worthy and didn’t think you were worth my tears.

You would cry when I was hurt, and help me back up to my feet.

You would let me write you songs, and realize that they came from the heart and weren’t just for attention.

You’d value cuddling more than sex, and feel right at home just sitting on the couch and watching a movie with me.

And everytime you look at the stars, you realize someone else is looking too.

Where is this girl, that doesn’t give grief just to get attention, who believes she is worth someones love, and embraces it?

And I go looking for this girl, but I never will find it if I am looking. It’s like in the movie Groundhogs Day. For any of you who have seen it, there is one scene, where Bill Murray is making a snowman with the girl, and everything is going perfectly, and that night, he messes it up, and he was so close to that happiness. So the next day, he tries to build the snowman, tries to re create the moment, but it just keeps failing, because his heart wasn’t there anymore.

I try so hard to have those moments of lying in the grass staring at the night sky with a girl I care about. Of playing guitar, and watching her look at me through the split in her hair, and all I can see is her eyes. The moments of holding hands for the first time, kissing for the first time. The moments of teenage love.

And the harder I try to create those moments, the more my own heart isn’t there anymore. I want this, and will find it again, but the right girl has to find me, and can’t be forced.

Tell me, message me, TALK TO ME, I’m a good listener, and I’ll be there for you

Finding Neverland

I have been thinking about why I am never motivated. Why I am never motivated to try harder in school, or make more money. And I sat, trying to think for so long, until my mind drifted off I wasn’t there anymore. That’s when I realized. I am never here. I mean, rarely. I interact with my surrounding, but they aren’t what they really are. My friends are heroes. My parents are elders. My teachers are wizards. My siblings are princes. I can’t concentrate because:Because when I go to school, I’m at a CIA business meeting.

Because when I drink some water, it goes down like a potion.

Because when I look in the mirror, I’m a hero.

Because when I see a bully, I see Captain Hook.

Because when I eat, it’s at the round table.

Because when I hear a song, I am the singer.

Because when I’m cut myself, it’s from the lunge from a sword.

Because when I’m happy, I hear a song in my mind.

Because I can see myself as if I am floating ten feet above.

Because when I read a book my surroundings disappear.

Because when I look at clouds, I see movies,

Because when I sit down, it’s a throne.

Because when I get a vaccination, it’s the truth serum shot.

Because when I see a dog, I can hear it talk.

Because when I am alone, I am the center of attention.

Because when I am the center of attention, I can’t distinguish a single face.

Because when I sing a song, I can see the notes.

Because when I am on the phone, it’s on a reality show.

Because when I drive, I’m on a racetrack.

Because when I look at the stars, I am weightless.

Because when I turn on a light, I see a fairy.

Because when the lights are off, I fear monsters.

Because when I write, I don’t have to think about the next word.

Because when I walk down the street, it is in slow motion.

Because when I hug my parents, I am a child.

Because when I hug a child, I am a father.

Because when I cry, the room floods.

Because when I am lost, I am an explorer.

Because when I go into the woods, I am Indiana Jones.

Because when I run, I am being chased.

Because when I am in a dead field, I can smell the roses.

Because on the top of Pikes Peak, there is a castle.

Because when I have a quarter, I bite it to make sure it is real gold.

Because when I pray, I can hear God say thank you.

Because when I look at my future, I am successful.
No matter where I am, I find a way to escape it. Almost like that disease, autism, like reality exists, but only in the way I choose to perceive it, and in my perceived reality, school and money don’t matter. I always feel like something more is calling me, and it isn’t where I am now. But I don’t even no where to begin looking.
But then I realized I DO know where to look. I do it all the time! It’s love! Love of a girl I meet. All the sudden, my little fantasies disappear, and all I can see is her beautiful face. All of the sudden making her happy, and seeing her smile again, replaces all of the made up worlds in my mind. Reality has never been good enough for me. It was always a big let down. A big disappointment, so I’d leave in my imagination. But then, when I fall in love, all of the sudden, real life is worth it. Reality is better than my dream, if I can have real love in it. In my imagination, nobody wakes up thinking about me. Nobody falls asleep with me as their last thought, but the person that loves me does that.
So when I am single, I fall apart. I just leave. I am on auto pilot, until another face catches my attention.
And then, when that face catches my attention, I create a fairytale. And I do a damn good job. In fact, such a good job, that the girl falls in love with the fairytale I created, and not me. And then, when they see through the fairytale, which usually takes around six months, suddenly I am just not that amazing anymore.

Listen Up, Girls

Seriously, listen up girls. LISTEN UP!

Stupid ass scenario 1) John meets Sally. Sally says she likes John. Sally calls John. John calls Sally. This happens for a while back and forth mutually. One day, John calls Sally and Sally does not answer. This is not usual of Sally so John calls Sally once more. Sally does not answer. John likes Sally so he is worried about Sally so he texts Sally. Sally does not respond still. John calls Sally later that night, and still Sally does not answer. John goes to sleep worried. The next day John calls Sally and Sally still does not answer. John gets mad now and sends a text basically saying “What the hell, Sally?” Finally, later (and later could be the next day a few days or a few friggin’ months) Sally calls John. John says, “Thank God you are okay Sally! What happened? I was worried about you.” Sally says something like, “You were being annoying or needy calling so much.” or perhaps, “You called too much so I didn’t call you.” John is left very confused and very angry.

Alright look. You Sally’s seem to be confused at the definition of a stalker, first of all. I once went bowling with a Sally, who looked over at a John bowling a few lanes over, and started to freak out. Sally was like, “Oh my god, it’s the kid that stalks me!” I asked Sally what John had done, and Sally said this. And this is word for word. “He texts me ‘How are you?’ all the time.” THAT IS NOT A STALKER. A stalker is someone who follows you home, Sally, and knows your families full names and the name and breed of the two dogs you have. A stalker is someone that when asked could tell you every favorite thing you like and what you do right before you go to bed when you think you are alone. A stalker is NOT the kid that you once dated and decided you didn’t like, but forgot to tell him in A PLAIN AND SIMPLE WAY. Don’t try to make the dude guess. TELL HIM you don’t like him, Sally. IF AND ONLY IF YOU SAY AT LEAST ONE TIME “John, don’t call me anymore your ugly,” OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND JOHN DECIDES TO KEEP CALLING CAN YOU SAY HE IS A STALKER OR NEEDY OR WHATEVER. If John had called, and you had answered, and then John called again, and you answered, and John called once more, and you answered, then maybe you could call him obsessive. If you just decide not to ever answer and completely ignore him, if he actually cared about you, which every Sally I have met in the past few months have seemed to have an issue with, he will WORRY ABOUT YOUR HEALTH AND WELL BEING AND CALL ANOTHER TIME. NEXT – tell John WHY. Here is the exact thing said to me when this similar situation happened to me not very long ago. “Goodnight baby, I heart you and I can’t wait to dream of you. I will call you when I get up J.” I haven’t heard from her for two months now, and that Sally knows who she is if she is reading this. You are fucking stupid and a fucking coward if you just run away when you decide you want to move on without telling the people in your life at that time that you don’t want them in your life anymore. I am a big boy and can handle it if you don’t like me anymore. But say something. There is nothing I hate more than these two things – people that ignore you without telling you why, and people that hate you without a reason.

Let’s look at a few of the reasons why John might call you twice in a row or more than once in a day when you don’t answer BESIDES THE REASON “HE MUST BE A NEEDY STALKER THAT IS GOING TO PUSH HIMSELF UNWANTED INTO MY LIFE.” Have you ever gotten a text message while you were busy, like driving in difficult traffic, or at work or school or something, and you check the message really quick but don’t respond and try to just remember that you need to text that person back? But then before you can you get more texts from other people, and that person’s text gets pushed way down the list and you forget that they even texted you? That happens to me all the time! Because it happens to me all the time, I assume it can just as easily happen to everyone else as well. So do you know what I do when I think that may have happened? I TEXT THEM AGAIN!!! Why? BECAUSE THEY NEVER ANSWERED and I don’t go around assuming that when people that liked me earlier that day don’t answer their phone that they are purposely ignoring me as some kind of sick test to see if I would call back too many times!
How about this one? Have you ever had your phone on silent and then not heard a call from someone you wanted to talk to? YEAH, ME TOO!! Because it happens to me all the time, I assume it can just as easily happen to everyone else as well. So do you know what I do when I think that may have happened? I CALL THEM AGAIN.

Here is the best part of that situation. If John calls Sally again, Sally thinks John is obsessive. But perhaps John wanted to tell Sally, who happens to like parties, that there was I don’t know A PARTY SHE WOULD HAVE LIKED and John does NOT call Sally again when she doesn’t pick up. And then Sally finds out that there was a party, Sally will get mad at John for not calling her again, and will blame not picking up the phone on something insignificant like SHE DIDN’T HEAR IT!!!

So Sally, when you meet John and you like John, even if it is just for a minute, and you let John know that, TELL HIM when you no longer like him. Don’t just ignore him completely and then call him a stalker when he keeps calling because he wants to know what happened. You think he can get the hint, but maybe he can’t. I, for one, and not an idiot, so Sally’s, when you do that to ME and I call back over and over again. I UNDERSTAND that you no longer like me anymore, but I just want to get a hold of you so that number one, I can know why, but mostly, so that I can fucking tell you that you are an idiot before I never talk to you again.

Stupid ass scenario 2) – John meets Sally. Sally pretends to like John. Sally pretends to like John A LOT. Sally makes out with John for a long time in a bedroom or closet on a boat. A light bulb suddenly turns on in John’s mind and John asks Sally, “Do you have a boyfriend?” Sally says no to John and begins kissing John all over again. John interrupts Sally again and says, “Are you sure because your brother and friends say that you do?” Sally assures John that they are idiots and have no idea what they are talking about and kisses John again. John decides to believe Sally. After John and Sally immerge hot and sweaty from the closet, John hears talk about how Sally is a slut because Sally has a boyfriend. John decides to defend Sally and believe that Sally wouldn’t lie to innocent John. Sally’s brother says, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you when Sally plays you for a fool, John.” John says, “I won’t have to because I know Sally wouldn’t do that.” The next day, Sally doesn’t respond to John’s calls, similar to scenario one. John later finds out that that is because Sally was with her boyfriend all day.

Sally, Sally, Sally… How could you do that to little John (who happens to be very not little in the pants.) And you definitely know who you are Sally. What did John do to you? John was sweet, charming, ruggedly handsome, and very different from the stereotypical John, and you probably fucked any chance with him in the future. Shame on Sally. And Shame on John for making the same mistake twice after the skate park. Sally, one night stands do not please John. Don’t say, “Well at least you got some.” John even told you that John valued cuddling more than sex.

Again. WHY DO YOU SALLY’S DO THAT SO MUCH? All I ever here about is how John’s use you and how John’s are assholes and how john’s just think about sex all the time. That is very wrong and very opposite of what really happens. What really happens is you Sally’s MISUNDERSTAND EVERYTHING!!! YOU TAKE FUCKING EVERYTHING THE WRONG WAY, like seriously. Here are a few sub scenarios to help explain.

Sub scenario 1) (we will use Bertha and Carl for this one because I am getting tired of Sally and John.) Bertha and Carl are cuddling watching a movie. Carl puts his arm around Bertha. Bertha is waiting for a kiss and Carl knows it. Carl kisses Bertha. Bertha kisses Carl. Carl and Bertha are making out. Carl absent mindedly goes for a feel. Bertha doesn’t mind. (if she does mind, end of scenario, but that is usually NOT the case.) Bertha starts getting hot. Carl warns Bertha that it is not a good idea. Bertha continues. Carl struggles for a minute trying to avoid going past making out, but Bertha keeps on coming on strong. Carl knows the blood is leaving his brain and asks if she is sure she wants to keep doing this. Bertha wants to do EVERY CONCEIVABLE THING BESIDES THIRD AND HOME PLATE. Bertha drags this on for a very long time, teasing Carl, until finally Carl wants to either A-have sex or B-get head. Bertha now is furious with Carl and says that all he cares about is sex and doesn’t like Bertha for Bertha. CARL WARNED YOU BERTHA BUT YOU HAD TO KEEP COMING. Guys don’t think about sex when we walk with you down the street or watch a movie with you. Guys think about sex when they are being grinded on by Bertha so much that their jeans are rubbing their manhood raw. Here is the problem. A survey will say that men initiate sex more than men, but most men would disagree? Why, because we have different definitions of what sex is. When you put your hand down our pants, or dry hump us, we consider that very sexual, and don’t see much a difference between that and actually having sex. Girls think that ONLY SEX IS SEXUAL, and everything else is just extreme flirting or something.

Sub scenario 2) (Judy and Brock for this one) Judy and Brock are at the grocery store. Judy tells Brock that she wants some Pizza. Brock asks Judy what kind she would like. Judy tells Brock to choose. Brock ISN’T IN THE MOOD FOR PIZZA AND REPLIES, “You decide because you will probably eat most of it.” Judy gets very mad at Brock and says Brock called her fat and ignores Brock for a while Judy throws a little tantrum inside her mind. BROCK DIDN’T MEAN YOU WOULD EAT IT ALL BECAUSE YOU WERE A PIG. Brock simply meant that he didn’t want any pizza, so you could decide because you wanted the pizza, Judy!!! Another misunderstanding for the girls! So far you have misunderstood what sex is, thought that a guy is calling you fat when he really just wanted you to be happy with the flavor you got, and thought that the guy that you left hanging was stalking you. YOU BLOW EVERYTHING WAAAY OUT OF CONTEXT AND PROPORTION!!!

Stupid ass scenario 3) Bobby and Fran have dinner with Bobby’s family. Later Fran and Bobby hang out with Bobby’s friends. Fran and Bobby go home separate ways that night. The next day, Bobby wants to see Fran but Fran says she can’t because she is hanging out with friends. Bobby asks if they can hang out after and Fran says she can’t because she is spending time with her family. Bobby gets upset and Fran gets very mad and doesn’t know why. She says that she and Bobby spent all yesterday with Bobby’s family and friends and thinks that Bobby is selfish because he is mad she wants a day with hers. Fran, that is NOT why Bobby is upset. Bobby is upset because Bobby includes you with his friends and family, and then you don’t invite him when you hang out with yours. Bobby is upset because Fran is living two lives. Her life with Bobby, and her life without Bobby. Bobby is just living one life, his life with Fran.

If Fran wants Bobby to include Fran in his life, Fran better include Bobby in hers too!
The last stupid ass situation) (and this one can go the other way as well and be the guys fault, and then it is just as stupid of a situation) Gary and Paula have been together for a while. Gary tells Paula he loves her. Paula tells Gary she loves him. Gary ACCIDENTALLY upsets Paula. Paula decides that the only way she is going to feel better is if she makes GARY sad. Perhaps Gary was with friends and didn’t call Paula until late. So Paula gives Gary a huge guilt trip about how Gary likes his friends more than Paula. Sometimes, Gary doesn’t even have to do ANYTHING, and Paula just randomly decides to give Gary the guilt trip. If Paula does this, Paula is a HUGE LIAR. If Gary tries to make Paula upset for revenge HE IS A HUGE LIAR! DO NOT GIVE GUILT TRIPS!!! WHY? Because love is NOT wanting to make the other person cry or feel bad. If someone upsets you talk to them about it. Tell them you love them and it hurt when they did that and work it out. Don’t just storm off, or ignore them, or try to make them feel bad. If you love someone, no matter what, you want them to always feel safe, and loved, and happy. Hate is making people cry or feel bad about themselves, and I have seen so many Judy’s make a Gary feel like fucking shit just so that they could pride themselves at being right. And you say you love each other….

If you are a girl, and you read this, and you agree and say “I would never do that to you, Chris.” Or you say, “Seems to me like you are looking for girls in the wrong places, Chris.” Or “If only you knew, Chris.” Or “How could a girl do that to you Chris, you are so sweet?” Or “Those girls don’t know what an amazing man they had, Chris.” And you think you like me, and you start talking to me, and I decide I want to meet you, and we hang out, and we date, and then you do all that same old shit that I have been through for the last three months, SWEET GOD I will unleash on you, because each girl I have explained my situation, and they say they feel for me, and then they turn around and ignore me or lie to me. I don’t deserve that. I am not like you girls though. I don’t give up and say “Fuck women. All women are assholes. I think I’m gonna be gay.” I take what I learn and move on just like you all should do. I am not trying to market myself, but when I say I care, I care. If I decide I like you, I will like you. If I tell you I love you, I mean it. I will write songs about you. I will call you. I will text you. I will worry about you. And if you decide to ignore that and not tell me why, I WILL BOTHER YOU! I am so sick of confident assholes. I am confident ladies, very confident, and I pull it off without being a fucking tool. I am sick of guys who half ass relationships. I am sick of girls who say they love someone and then try to make them angry. I am not easily upset. I rarely get mad. If you don’t like me I won’t be butt hurt, but if you just disappear then I WILL be pissed, and you will be the person I write the song that everybody wonders what girl pissed off that guy so much for him to write that amazing hate song about.
They say beware the wrath of a patient man, and I can count the girls on one hand that have genuinely pissed me off in my entire life and you know who you are. If not, ask and I will kindly tell you J. But only the people you care about can truly upset you, and I have forgiven all of you and will never give you enough chances to try again
With that being said, I also thank god for the girls that have stayed in my life and that I do know would never do that and I hope they know who they are because I talk to them everyday and they make me smile all the time. If not, ask, and I will kindly tell you, and I will be honest

What Is Me?

This is a diary. This is a diary meant to be found and read. . . by you. Which makes it a letter, I guess. A letter telling you everything that makes me feel, which makes it a confessional of sorts. I told you I wish you knew me. I told you that the people you compared me to, were not like me at all. I also told you that I would explain, but I’m not very good at talking. I’m a better writer, and that is why I am writing you this.

I know what you are thinking right now. Call me psychic, but I would guess that right about now you are wondering how many letters just like this I have written to how many girls? The world maybe? All the girls I’ve kissed? The answer is none. I have never written a letter like this one. None of the things I have written are alike, at least in terms of what inspired them. They may say roughly the same thing, for instance “I love you,” is the same as “I love you.” But if the first one was said to a grandma and the other to a wife, they hold completely different meanings.

This is not meant to try and woo you, I don’t mean for this to make you feel anything good or bad about me. This isn’t just the first step to the “game” you think I may have mastered. This is just what has keeps me going, and if you want to go on more dates with me, you might want to know these things. Maybe this will answer the questions that you will ask later. You may laugh. Maybe you’ll cry. Or maybe you will just read this and not listen to what is being said in it, and you will feel nothing. I don’t expect you to.

I’m telling you what makes me feel, and I’m not going to avoid saying anything in fear of what you might think. But before you start reading the good stuff below, don’t make ANY assumptions before you finish, because I know you like to do that, but not everything is put into context right away so be patient.

Alright. I am going to just start with who I really am, which makes me kind of nervous, cause maybe you won’t like that person at all, but if that’s the case, I should stop trying anyway. Then I will answer your question. How many times have I been in love?

I know from our text conversations that you must think I could be anyone. You said it yourself, that it is hard to trust someone that you have not really met. You also probably DIDN’T say that it is hard for you to trust someone that seems to know how to say the right things or that has “kissed the world.” Maybe you think I am a liar. Maybe a fake. Maybe a drama king. But really none of that is it at all.

What is me? I know who I am, but I’ll never be able to tell you. You will just have to find out on your own. I know when I tell the truth, even though I will never be able to show you when that is. You will just have to trust me on your own. I really can’t convince you of anything. All I can do is hope. Hope that you will realize that this is me. Everything I say here has never been so me, and it’s not meant to be dramatic.

What is me? I’m the geek, the jock, the drama nerd, the deep guy, the quiet guy, the outgoing guy. I am everyone. I think we all are. I am everything which makes it hard to see the real me when you look at me through the eyes of today’s world, which is full of stereotypes and categorizing. We place people into groups by what we see at first, and never bother to see the geek in the jock, or the hero in the nerd. We just assume they are what they are. But I promise you, I am here. Right here, with you. I am not somewhere else but pretending to be interested. I AM interested, but just like you don’t know me, I don’t know you, and you have no idea the excuses I COULD have to say that I will never trust someone again. But I don’t think like that. Everyone is different, and it is only my past that makes me assume that they are just like all the other people that let me down. You may let me down, but I hope not, cause I like you. I wouldn’t be taking my time writing this if I didn’t. J

I am me. I am not a guy. I am not a man. I am not a girl either, lol, don’t start worrying. My point is, I am me. I don’t wake up in the morning and say, “I am man, watch me fit this mold today.” I get up and say, “I am me, watch me live.”

What is me? The outgoing guy? I’m this guy around people I don’t know. I try to get to know everybody, and be nice to everybody, and give everyone a fair chance.

The jock? I’m this guy because my friends are jocks. They are all athletic and if I didn’t share something in common with them, it would be harder to fit in with them. I work out only to play football with them. I jog to keep up with them. For every hour they practice, I practice five. I have to, to be able to keep up. I probably would not be in shape if it weren’t for them. It never had anything to do with looks.

The quiet guy? This comes more from keeping my feelings to myself. When I am hurt emotionally, I don’t usually talk about it. I will help you with your problems, I will help others, but I always have dealt with mine on my own. I don’t like people to see my weaknesses. But I realize that those weaknesses come from wanting to be alone in dealing with them. For instance, pride. I once was asked in church what my greatest sin was. I said, my pride. Not in an “I’m better than you,” sort of way. But more just that I like to take credit in the things that I do, and not give credit to a team, or God. I have definitely gotten over most of it. I learned the hard way. You see, when you want to win alone, even when you win, you are still alone. You have no fans, and only yourself to enjoy the glory, and it is the saddest life. I don’t ever want to go back to it. I want to share everything I do with the people I love, and give them credit for everything I have become.

The hopeless romantic? This is probably the most me, but not because I’m a player or a womanizer. I just love, love. Love is purpose, love is life, the reason why we are here, and if I fail at everything in life, I will be happy if I have mastered love. We are here because God loves us, and that is it. He didn’t create life for his success. Not for wealth, not for entertainment. Just love. I was once asked in an interview/survey what my purpose in life was. I said “To love and be loved.” And that’s it really. I get a job so I can maintain the ability to give the one I love everything I can, and my children that I will love a better chance to succeed. Love drives my writing and my music. I go to school to learn to better myself so that I will in turn learn to love better. I will explain what love is to me later.

And the geek? Laugh, if you will, but this is important to me, almost like a little fantasy that I have made real. I know you will laugh, but laugh at the circumstance, and not the point I am making. When we were younger, Luke and I played this video game Final Fantasy 7. I’m not a video game nerd, lol, but listen. In the game, the character falls in love with one of the other ones. I know, typical, but how it was told in this story is different. They never say it. Not once. But you know they are. Never once do they say, “I love you,” but it is in everything that they say. She dies later, and then it shows clearly. He says, “She will never laugh again. Never cry or get angry. She will never say my name again, and she will never hear me say hers.”

Sure, you could argue that if you never love, you will never lose love. But if you never love, how can you matter in the world? Nobody will truly love you if you don’t have love for them back. Nobody but God, and that is why we have everything to learn from him. We need to love to have purpose.

With the game thing, I know it was retarded, and I am definitely not saying that I want to find somebody like out of a video game, or have a storybook romance. That would be stupid, lol. What I’m saying is have you ever listened to a band with a male singer, but you don’t know what the singer looks like? Have you ever read a book with a male character, but it doesn’t really describe him in detail? You come up with somebody in your head, and it’s usually the same guy. With me, every time I hear a song, or read a book, or play……….a game, I picture somebody in my head. I can’t describe to you what that person looks like, in fact, it’s more of a feeling that they simple are. They exist, somewhere in the back of your mind and heart. I want to know who that is. Maybe it is like you said… the soul mate we are all searching for. Why have I never met that person?

I am not saying that you are that person, but I’ve always felt that there should be a feeling. That feeling where you just know something is there, without having to ever say, “I love you.” But it is as real as life, and as apparent as light in a tunnel. You just know, you matter. And they know they matter. You matter to me, Meghan. And that is something that you can’t change now, no matter what you decide to do after reading this haha. Unless you change my mind, which sadly, does happen most of the time. If not, we would all be married to the first people we met, I’m not going to lie to you and sugar coat that. Nobody knows if they will like somebody forever. Not until forever is over. I will explain where that mentality comes from in a bit. But my point is you matter. To me.

I want you to be sure of yourself. I want to show you that you can relax and be you, and all of you and not have to worry that I will take advantage of your vulnerability. I know how girls feel about opening up.

What is me? Me is scared. What if I don’t give you the things that you need? What if I’m not good enough? What if all of me, isn’t enough? I never give anything less than all of me, but sometimes it still isn’t enough.

So. How many people have I been in love with. This is where I want you to let me finish before you make assumptions. I believe love is what you make it. Love is always real, every time you think it is. You tell me. Which do you think hurts more in terms of heart ache? For two children, who all they ever did was hold hands, but thought that it was true love and believed it with all their hearts to break up? Or a married couple of five years to divorce? I would argue that the pain in their hearts, at the initial moment of the break up, would be near the same. So the answer to your question is what I told you the other day. I have been in love as many times as I have said it. And I don’t just say it out of pity or because they said it to me. I say it when I feel it is real. But you want a number. I don’t know why that matters. Love is different every time. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been in love fifty times, or never, when I tell you I love you, I will love you, and it will be real.

But you still want a number. So. Four times. I have said I love you to four different people other than family and friends, that at that point in my life, meant the world to me. The first was a girl named Tember. Her story is why I know that you can never be sure if you will be with someone forever, even if you love them. If they don’t love you, there is nothing you can do. She would ask me all the time. “Promise you will be with me forever.” I would smile and say, “I promise.” Then she cheated on me with the guitar player of our band/one of my best friends/Parker, the one who went to the movies with us. She never told me, and I found out by a letter to him she misplaced. She blamed me, and that the trust was gone in our relationship because I looked at her letter. Not because she cheated on me. Not because she told me she loved me, and expected that I would still love her no matter what she did. That is NOT true. That is taking advantage of the power of love, and is one of the only things that destroys it.

So what happened? I sought help. And I found it. I found Heather. Yes, heather is the one that was with Parker at the movies. I met Heather and she made the pain seem to go away. She comforted me and had an answer to every question I could ever ask. She made me strong again, and I grew to love her so much. More than I thought possible. But I was too afraid to tell her that at the time. I just remained her friend, until she met Parker at a party we had. I saw how Parker looked at her, knowing already that I loved her. I begged him. I said “Please don’t do this. You already took Tember from me. You already won. Don’t take her from me.” He said that he couldn’t help who he liked, so he asked her out. Before she said yes, I wrote her a letter confessing how I felt. Had I given that letter to a stranger on the street, they probably would have married me right then. She said she didn’t know. I showed the letter to Parker, and told him that if he felt exactly the way I did. That strongly for her, to go ahead and ask her out, but if not, that he not dare do that to the one I loved. He said, and I quote. “I feel ditto.” And that was that. He asked her out and they have been together for the past year and a half.

The other two came after that, and they were long relationships, but I won’t bore you. But I will say that my heart was there. But the previous two were the defining moments of my life. Why I became obsessed with love. Why I will never become that guy that ruins it for all the rest. Parker through Heather out of the car and left her stranded at 3 a.m. in the cold on the side of the road. So much for his “ditto.”

I live to create a fairy tale because I know I can make it exist if I believe it does. I can show you a fairy tale, and I can show you that it isn’t fake, but can be real.

Why could I be wrong? Well in every movie you have ever seen, love is so strong there. But that is because it concentrates on the highlights. It only shows huge fights, and huge romances. It never shows them having boring, late night conversations with each other. It never shows them standing in line, or sleeping in the middle of the night. It never shows the little fights and arguments. It never shows what each person had to give up to make it work. It just worked. But I don’t want a movie, I just want you. I want to live my story, not Hollywood’s. I want to be the happiest I can be in this moment. Life is only moments, I don’t live a stretch of time. Each defining moments in my life is all I see, and they seem timeless.

Every day I see it happening to someone, every day I see someone reach that happiest state, and I want it for me so bad. I see old couples holding hands and I think of how far they have come with that person that they are holding hands with, and how many memories they have had together and how many struggles and confusions, and I wonder when it was, when they first held hands. When they first reached out to one another, despite all the doubt and logic telling them that it wasn’t what was best. And I think to myself that those times could be now, with you and me. The seeds that could grow to something incredible, or die out before it began.

How many times do we say, oh well it will come again so why worry? How many times do we sit back and watch our opportunity fade and watch it open for somebody else and work out for them. If you think like that, you are no better that the guys from dumb and dumber, when the bus of girls drives by and needs two oil boys and they tell them to go to the city and then say “oh well, we will catch our break, we just gotta keep our eyes open…” How many buses have past both of us? And we just send it on down the road to find someone else? Well my eyes are open now, and I see you.

I want to see you. Don’t worry about my past, besides the fact that it defined who I am NOW. I want to make highlights with you. I want to have conversations. I want to give up something so that you can replace it with something more like you, and I want you to want to do the same. I want to trust you. I want to make you smile. I don’t want you to think I need you. I want you to wish I needed you, but realize that we need each other, and it isn’t just a one way street. I am not the wall you hold onto, and you are not mine, our dependency would be a picture of us back to back between separate cliffs. I don’t want you to think I am desperate for you, but realize instead that is just because I care enough to make it seem like I am. I want you to see other guys and think that I am different. I want you to see me.

Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they’re right beside you and yet you can’t have them? Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you hadn’t or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest to say. And don’t be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do they might break your heart but if you don’t you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were afraid of losing what you had with that person? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn’t. You can’t tell your heart what to do; it does it on its own when you least expect it or even when you don’t want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled because we’re too afraid to care too much for fear that the other person doesn’t care as much or at all. Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever or fell for your best friend in the entire world and then just sat around and watched her fall for someone else? Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we’re afraid, afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid about what will be found out about us but every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and requires you to jump. Don’t be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have had or could have had. No one waits forever.

This is me, without fake. This is me, when I think of you. It’s up to you “not to mess it up.” – Hitch. lol just kidding. Let’s give it a shot is what I’m saying, and if it doesn’t work out, then we will worry about that when it happens. Right now, I just want to enjoy the smile I have when I think of you.

Letter to a Girl

Girl,
I will never be able to fill holes in your heart. I can heal them, but they will scar and never be completely erased. I want to heal your scar. I never meant to make you be somebody you didn’t want to be, and I hope you find it in your heart to understand me.

I’m not John. I don’t know John, and I probably will never know him. John to me, is just a name, but I know that he was everything to you once. I know you loved him. And I know that you moved on, on your own. I understand that it wasn’t because of me that you talked to him today. But what I don’t know, is what you are feeling right now. And it kills me.

I have always known the right things to say. When I truly care about someone, or love someone, the truth comes out, and it is easy to make someone’s day happy. It is easy to mend wounds, but not this wound. I don’t know if a nightly poem, or a song, or a letter, or a smile will ever be able to make you happy right now. I don’t know how to tell you that you mean the world to someone, even though you feel alone right now. I could hug you, kiss you, hold you, cry with you, but I can’t make your problem better right now. It’s all you, but I am your biggest fan, cheering you on from the sidelines. I know I might not be the one you want to be holding right now. Not because you don’t like me, but because of the guilt. You would feel guilty running to my arms right now.

I want you to run to my arms, but not for the reasons you might think. Yes, I want to be your shelter. I want to be your comfort. I wanna make you smile, whenever your sad, because you are those things for me, even if not in person. When I’m sad, I think of you and I am happy again. When I’m lonely, I day dream of you. But these are selfish things, and they are not the reasons I want you in my arms. I want you in my arms because your heart can be safe there. I won’t poke it, or prod it, or remind you of things you never want to remember. I won’t flatter it at the wrong time. I will just hold onto it, and keep it safe. I’ll shelter it. I just want you near to me, because you make MY life okay.

I am so sorry this had to happen to you. But it had to happen, Girl, and I know you already know that. It’s not me, it was you two. It wasn’t working, at least not right now, and you’re right, maybe later, or if the situation was different. But it’s not different. It is. And it’s not later, it’s right now. And right now, I AM HERE. I am here with you, feeling your pain, crying when you cry, laughing when you laugh, smiling when you smile. And you see me. Just please, don’t close your eyes. Don’t run. Don’t hide. If you want to run, you can run to my arms, and if you need to hide, you can hide there to. I won’t hurt you, Girl.

You don’t need to run to my arms right now. You can wait. I UNDERSTAND J . I understand you don’t want to rub it in, or feel like you broke up with him for someone else. It’s just, I know where my heart is, and I don’t know where anyone else’s is. So when you cry, I know I will feel it, and make it better. And I know I will listen to you, so when you are ready to be listened to, when you are ready to talk, and ready to smile. Smile at me, because it brings my world to life. You matter to me. And I know I say that all the time, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to remind you enough.

Come on girl, just open your eyes
You’ve opened your heart
Now open your mind
He’s playing you
And you just let it fly
Cause you think that he
Is the love of your life
But you can’t see me
With my arms open wide
You say, “How can I love and not be loved in return?”
I say, “Yeah, I hear that,” and give you my word.
You say, “Who do you love that’s not giving you your own?”
I tell her, “look at the clock, it’s almost time to go.”
But I wish she’d ask me more
I smile with her as she walks out the door

So notice
I’m so mad cause he just made you cry
I try to comfort you the next day and all night
I wanna be there, always be by your side
But you hold him with your left
While you shun him with your right
I mean, you love him, but he doesn’t love you
I love you and want you to love me too
But he’s leading you on with a little love bait
So you follow the hook that’s always two steps away
I watch you trip and get hurt, cause you look straight ahead
I say, “Look at your feet, girl, look where you stand.”
“Look who stands with you, holding your hand.”
“Who falls every time with you, offers the love you desire,without a demand.”

Come on girl, just open your eyes
You’ve opened your heart
Now open your mind
He’s playing you
And you just let it fly
Cause you think that he
Is the love of your life
But you can’t see me
With my arms open wide

Girl, I know you need to be alone. Everyone does, and I respect that. We all understand ourselves best, and sometimes, the best doctor to your heart is yourself. So take all the time you need to wipe the dirt off your shirt. Let your skinned knees heal. Just know that I am here, standing with my rose as soon as you are ready to walk with someone again.

The Break-up Letter

Dear girlfriend,

1 Corinthians 13: 3-13

If I give away all that I have, and I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends; as for prophecy, it will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease, as for knowledge, it will pass away. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of all is love.

Over the past seven months you have gotten to know the real me. I have never been fake, and I was always me, however, you don’t know everything that is me. I have a problem, not just one of course, but this one sticks out the most and has caused the most problems in my life. That problem is my need to make others happy, especially the ones I love. I put their happiness always before my own, and while that sounds good, it isn’t. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to overcome, but I never can do it. This problem has caused many issues in school when I was younger, and in sports, and in everything I do. And right now, it is effecting me more than ever… I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I told you the other day that I felt uncomfortable, and that I was always feeling nervous and alone, and that I had the Red Hots. I still have that feeling and I don’t know what all of it is, but I know what part of it is.

I NEED to make everyone happy. When I can’t do it, I don’t know what to do anymore. But I am not saying that I don’t think I can make you happy. I know I can make you happy. I know I do make you happy. I know I make you feel loved. But sometimes, it is with disregard for my own happiness. I will suffer if I know it will make you happy. To me it seems, ironically, to be the best source of my happiness. Do whatever it takes to make you happy, who cares about my own, I will find it in your smile. That is what I have always thought. It is my mind that tells me that I need to try to make everyone happy, and not my heart. My heart is my subconscious, I can’t control it if I wanted to, and it seeks happiness on its own. But even “if I give away all that I have, and I deliver my body to be burned, but have not happiness, I gain nothing.”

This past month, my mind has been stronger than my heart. I beat down my heart and hid the heartache that I have felt in order to keep you happy. PLEASE DON’T GET ME WRONG. I AM happy when you are happy, so it has been worth it. But that happiness is shallow. It only lasts while your happy, and I can’t always be there. It takes trust to have deep happiness, and we don’t have that in each other right now and so my heart acts on its own. I talk to my friends all night, because I feel you won’t understand if I told you. I comment back and forth with people on myspace, but not you and I don’t know why. I spend more time around my friends instead of you, I don’t know why. It isn’t fair to you. And it isn’t fair to me. Something has gone missing and I stumble blindly trying to fill it, and at the same time stumble further away from you.

Here is my heartache. I want to make you happy to make me happy. I don’t want to make myself happy. And here is the worst part. I can control my own happiness, but I choose never to try. I can’t control yours, and I always try. So I am always miserable. It’s like you thinking I would be happy about some of the gifts you gave me. Instead I got upset. Well it is like that everyday for me. Normally I could probably succeed in making you happy, but I can’t give you the things you need right now. I can’t come down very much anymore. I haven’t been able to talk on the phone. Sometimes I don’t even want to, because I am too scared to hear your voice because I will hear your disappointment. I see you forcing yourself to love me, and telling yourself that love should be hard, and you will do whatever it takes, but your lying to yourself. Maybe you love me, but you only love me because it’s what you see. “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” Years ago, love to both of us was simply holding hands. Then it was a kiss. Then making out with tongue. And then love was waking up thinking about somebody and actually caring about what happened to them. And now love is this. But we are still children. We are reasoning like children. Someday we will both become adults and we will both grow in love and find an even stronger definition.

I’ll admit that I too believe that love is what you make it, so it is real for both of us. Like the example I have said about in terms of heart ache, the pain would be no different between children losing love and married people breaking up. So you DO love me, and I love you, but our definition isn’t working. We are going to end up hating each other, and that is the last thing I want. I can hardly ever call you, and when I do, we don’t say anything. I can hardly ever see you, and when I do, we think we are mad at each other. Making you happy made me happy. Then I realized I needed to make myself happy. But whenever I tried, you would not seem to tolerate it. Whether it be writing until late and postponing a call, or playing poker with some friends until late, or helping out my Grandma with her Christmas decorations, I felt you did not understand that these things made me happy, and I needed that happiness because I wasn’t around you. But instead I thought you were mad, so it so it no longer became about making myself happy, but worrying about your happiness once more, because I feared it made you angry. “Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful” toward me needed to do things that I enjoyed.

We both stress out way too much. Let’s face it. Your going away to Boulder. You are going to be even further, and even busier. I won’t be able to drive that far. I would love to, but I just can’t. I am wearing down a car that I need to last me for several years. I will go away. At some point. I didn’t want to tell you unless I ever knew for sure, and I still don’t know for sure, but Luke, Parker and I all got accepted into the California Musician’s Institute in Hollywood, California. We were considering moving there in a year.

You could be with someone that could give you everything I can and more. I know you don’t want anyone else, but let’s be real. Just for a minute. This isn’t right. At least right now. “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude.” You get jealous when I am with other people, and I get jealous of Peter and other people. We are often arrogant and boastful because we try to be a better lover than the other. We make excuses. And sometimes we are rude to each other, and hang up in the middle of someone saying something that truly bothered them. I love you and you may hate me now, but if that is what it will take for you to do what’s best for you, and for me to finally do something for me, then I guess I will have to suffer through that. This IS NOT easy for me, so don’t ever think that.

If we lived different lives, I would not be writing this. But we don’t. And Luke has seen it, Parker has seen it, and my parents have seen it. And they all agree that as perfect as this all was, it needs to end, otherwise we will never really be as happy as maybe we one day could. Maybe after school is over it will be different, but we aren’t going to last that long at this pace. We are always at each other’s throats trying to make the other person feel bad about every little thing. We don’t trust each other. The only thing keeping this relationship together is blind love. But it’s not enough. It’s only enough to make my heart filled with pain while I write this, and not enough for me to stay in this forever. For this to last forever, we need trust. Faithfulness. Reliance. Friendship. The things the bible talks about. The kind of love we have in God. We need to always be right there when the other person needs us, even if we don’t realize we are there. Even if we aren’t there, we need to understand what each other needs to be happy. We don’t understand each other and we can’t do it right now. This isn’t a break. I don’t believe in them and they are bullshit. This is, we need to grow up before we try to retackle a relationship that requires more than we understand.. We are too young, and this is a mess of complication in our already over-flowingly complicated lives.

You may hate me, and may never forgive me. Maybe you will egg my car. Maybe you will talk me down to your friends and family and you will see other guys and tell them how horrible the man your ex was, and you will lie to yourself and them and tell them you never loved me. But that is how this goes most of the time, and I will have to get over it and that is why I want to die right now, but I am doing this because sometimes to achieve a higher happiness than just satisfied, you have to come out of a lower low. Sometimes to jump forward, you have to go back to get a running start. We are stuck. If I have to be miserable now and make you miserable now with a possibility that we will both be happier later, then I will do it. Maybe after school we can try again, but maybe you will move on. Maybe so will I, I don’t know but I can’t keep doing this.

You may think this is happening so suddenly? It only seems that way, and this also kills me. You will think that I don’t love you. You think that I lied to you every time I said it. You are very wrong. And I will be judged wrongly by everyone else. Your friends will try to convince you I never loved you and that I didn’t deserve you, but don’t listen to them. Love is worth it, don’t give up and never love again. It may make you feel better, hating me. It’s what I did to Heather. If you hate me, how can it hurt when I’m gone? But it only makes the hurt worse. I am not a liar. I love you still, but I realized more and more each day that it wasn’t going to be enough, but how do I tell you that? When you tell me you love me, I can’t say “I love you too, but I don’t know how much that will help us” You would break up with me, and I didn’t want that, I love you and wanted to be with you. So I just left it at I love you too. But then I am just leading you on. So to you this seemed like such a change so abruptly, but I have been struggling with it and crying every night over it for a month. I can’t keep crying. I am crying now. And I will cry harder than I ever have in my life for the next few days, but maybe that will help it stop.

I love you, and I hope you will find it in your heart to see that this needed to happen. I don’t know why we can’t be adults and just come to the agreement that sometimes the best thing is to go separate ways, but we do. People marry instead and struggle and fight and give guilt trips and just drag it on. That is why so many children have to watch their parents go through divorce. I hope you don’t decide to erase me from your life, because I care about you more than anyone alive and this truly was the biggest step for me in my life. You helped me see what love can be, and what I can look forward to when I am done with all the other parts of life that will be its foundation. Maybe it will be with you again, that I love with all my heart again. But we will only know with patience and time. Just please don’t stop loving me. That’s all I ask.

With all my heart,

Chris

You Are Too Young to Love

“You are making this more than it is.”

“It isn’t a big deal.”

“Your too young to love.”

“You didn’t know her long enough to love her.”

“You can’t love someone you met one time.”

“You will look back on this when you find true love and laugh.”

“You don’t know what love is.”

This is what people say.  This is what friends say.  What family says.  What every person I know has said to me the past few days.

They don’t understand.  I realize that maybe this isn’t what love will be like down the road.  Maybe I’ll find truer love down the road. 

But they don’t get it.  None of you do.  The fact that I may be wrong does not change the fact that I believe I’m right.  I believe that THIS right here right now, is love.  Whether  or not I’m right or wrong, it is what I believe.  What is the difference?  Between a couple of kids, who all they ever did was hold hands for a few days, and a couple who has been married for twenty years.  If they both truly believe they are in love, it hurts just the same when it ends.

Life is a series of moments.  Luke said that.  And he is right.  And what makes my moments different from yours, huh?  Why can’t I be in love?  Who are you to define my love?  Tell me I’m wrong, but it doesn’t matter to me.  It’s true in my heart, in this moment.  Which would you be more afraid of?  A large man that knew he was doing wrong, and was trying to take your wallet?  Or a 100 pound mother, who wrongfully so, but honestly thought you took her baby?  I would be more scared of the mother, because she believed in something, and even though she was wrong, it was true to her.
So tell me I’m wrong.  Tell me I’m too young.  Tell me to get over it, but I will tell you that I loved her.  I love her.  No matter what, I will love her.  Not even she can change my mind.

I hate how easy it is to hate love.  I find myself hating myself, because I DO love where I shouldn’t anymore.  I should let go, and move on, and hold my head high, but everything seems so gray now.  The life is gone, the sparkle in my eyes, because all I can see is her.

I thought I’d be the one she’d marry.  The one she’d settle down with.  She promised she would be.  We named our kids.  We knew where we wanted to live.  I had all these moments to look forward to with her, and in a breath.  In a kiss.  In a glance.  And in the turn of an ignition key, it all disappeared.  I drove home, 1500 miles with less than I had when I started.  Knowing the whole way, that she was probably smiling.  Finding someone else to replace me.  To replace us.

How do you remove a footprint from your heart?  How do you look at other girls, when they all remind you of her?  I want to forget.  Somebody help me forget!  I won’t listen at first, but maybe if you stay, I’ll finally see you.  Won’t you stay?  And not erase me?

Where is that girl that wants me to want her?  That wants me?  That would try and cry and care for me, and care about my skills, and help me with my imperfections.  And let me help her with hers…

I’ve lost love, and it was as real, and as vital as the air we breath.  The grass we play on.  And the sun we shield our eyes from.  Please let it come back.

Influenced in Manner by Shakespear

     “Oh do I find sensuality knocking on my door again? Or does it enter without welcome, but knowing the way in? To shut this door completely leaves me alone, but to open it invites this harlot to me.”
     “But of curse me! For harlots look too for love! And as a harlot to me, a sweet rose it will be, when the blossom ignored and what’s shared is the thorns.”
     “Oh my, as my façade melts so does the sun, and shadows now mask scars. To be hidden again as the moon hides from midday.”
     “Patience, oh virtue is it not! Lest a form of torture! For as I lay writhing in coiled binds of lies, I know release could find me, maybe not. But what say doth one have in a subject he not understand?”
     “Is there not a point in the day when I may be, or not be visible? I do not wish to hide, but allow wounds to heal. But as alcohol to my gash, it ripens with pain the moment some everlasting gaze fixes upon it and says, ‘Oh, you ugly beast a stay is not advised as I will rip it further if you do not flee.”
     “And so flee as I must, from dawn until dusk, and inside as I cry, not a tear leaves my eye. Do I not even realize I am sad? How can this be? I thought I took long ago off my mask.”
     “Oh, foul fortune! As another lies beneath, as an onion layers away, I assume I do obey.
“To undo my footing on this path leaves me in open air to fall. But now where I land it is up to god. Oh I pray that my feet do hit feathered ground. As thorns I left behind I do wish to avoid.”
     “And as I land, I land blind. This new path useless? Where I have come from useless? No! I must press on!” So blindly stumbling does this poor fool scratch about. Until the very end, he fails, crashes to a pit. He can not get out.”
     “All this is observed by a loving god? Oh I can hear him from my pit. ‘Why did you look down at your feet and not up?”
     “Not up,” I exclaimed, furious now. “If I don’t look at my feet where shall I see the ground?”
     “Oh blame not your feet for where you wound up. The only walk to wherever you want.”
     “I only wanted green grass and cool streams to drink, to find completion in the form of good company!”
     “Oh I would say those desires are grand! But had you not water and friends on the old path? Did thou not care that this is another man’s land? I made a home for you and a home for him, but yours suffice not? So, have the other and know you will not fit in!”