Who Am I?

She says, “Who are you?”I say, “Please. Don’t go.”

She says, “I don’t know you anymore.”

I say, “That’s because I’m just recently figuring out who I am, myself. I thought I was something I wasn’t. I tried to be everything you needed, but it took away from everything I needed. I don’t have anything else to give you.”

She says, “I never wanted anything from you. All I wanted was for you to love me.”

I say, “But that’s just it. That’s why this is so damn hard. You fell in love with the guy that didn’t love you. And now I love you, but you don’t love who I had to become to be able to.”

She waits

I say, “Look, I know you must think I’m an over-emotional, very lost boy. I know you must think I’m a liar. Maybe you think I’m a fake. But really, and I promise you, I’m none of that. At least I don’t want to be that anymore.”

She waits.

I say, “I lie. I lied to you. I told you I loved you when I didn’t. I told you that because I remember that I did once. I don’t remember when that stopped being the truth. I’m a fake. I pretend to be happy. I pretend to have everything that I need. I pretend to know what love is. I pretend to have no problems. I’m lost. I had lost site of love. I had forgotten why I was even looking for it. I’m emotional. I laugh when I’m happy. I get mad when I’m insulted. It’s what makes me real. I cry when I’m lost. I cry when I realize that I’ve lied to myself more than to anyone else. I cry when I forget what love is. Not always on the outside. I’ve realized that I’ve been crying for a long time now. I want to stop. I want to be me.”

She says, “But you don’t know what “me” is anymore.”

I say, “But that’s just it. You are defining the real me. You reveal a little more of me each day. That’s why I want you to stay. I’m lost, and when I talk to you, I almost feel like I know where I am. So please stay.”

She says, “I can’t.”

I say, “Why?”

(crying) She says, “I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

I say, “Why?”

She says, “Because.”

I say, “Why?”

She says,
“Because ever since I was little I had imagined myself in a fairytale. And this is far from it. Let’s face it, this is not happily ever after. This isn’t like my movie. Love isn’t strong here anymore.”

I say, “But that’s because a movie concentrates on the highlights. It never shows them having boring every night conversations. It never shows them just staying home for a day. It shows fights, but not the little ones like forgetting to pick up butter at the grocery store after you reminded me more than enough times. It never shows what each person had to give up to make it work. It just, worked. Maybe that can’t exist in reality.”

She says, “Maybe it can.”

I say, “Maybe. If we live for the moment, like I told you in the car that one night.”

Silence.

I say, “Look. I had stopped trying because I wanted to see what my stomach felt like when you were distant. I wanted to see if the feeling was just that I wanted to need you, or if I really did need you. And it feels like falling.”

Silence.

I say, “I want to see you when I wake up. I want to make fairytale highlights with you. I want to have boring late night conversations. I want to give up something so that you can replace it with something more like you, and for you to feel the same. I want to trust you. I want to make you smile. I don’t want you to think that I need you. I want you to wish I needed you, but realize that we need each other. I don’t want you to think I’m desperate, but you should know that I care enough to make it seem like I am. I want you to see other guys and think I’m different. I want you to see me. The me that you have shown me.”

She says, “I’m sorry”

I say, “This is me without the fake. This is me in love with you.”

She says, “I have to go.”

She leaves.

I Wish Our Love Was More Like Theirs

She says, “I wish our love was more like theirs.”I say, “What? Don’t ever compare what we have. Our situation is different.”

She says, “But they just never fight.  It seems nice.”

I say, “Because fighting isn’t a part of their love. And most likely rather than talking to EACHOTHER about their problems, they talk behind their backs to their friends and live a lie with each other. Fighting isn’t bad. That was poorly stated. Arguing isn’t bad as long as you argue to reach a solution or compromise rather than argue to simply be right. If they did it so right, then in the dictionary under the word love, it would have a picture of them. Love is defined by what you believe it is, and what you believe is defined by your circumstance. I’m not Cinderella, so you will never have to fit a shoe on my foot to have a happy ending with me. All you have to do is be here. And love me the way you want to love me. And if that love doesn’t match, then we are not meant for each other.”

I Love You Forever Today

She says, “Are you happy with me?”

I say, “Of course.”

She says, “I don’t know if I believe you.”

I say, “Why not?”

She says, “Because you never get jealous.”

I say “Why should I?”

She says, “You never get nervous that I’ll leave you?”

I say, “The way I see it, being in love with you is a win-win situation.”

She says, “Unless of course I leave you. Or cheat on you.”

I say “You won’t.”

She says, “How do you know?”

I say, “Because if you love me you won’t.”

She says, “And if I stop loving you?”

I say, “Then you will, and I’ll know that I didn’t deserve you. And I’ll be excited to know that love is still out there for me.”

She says, “It wouldn’t make you sad at all if I stopped loving you?”

I say, “Only in terms of now. I love you now, and you love me, so the thought of losing you makes me more than sad. But if you cheated on me, then the circumstances would be different. It wouldn’t be an I love you, you love me situation, because one person would be out of that equation and I couldn’t love someone that didn’t have any respect for me. I hate people that have no respect for me. So in the eyes of hating you, I’d be happy you left. It all has to do with the moment you are living.”

She says, “I’m confused.

(laugh) I say, “Look at it this way. Will you love me forever?”

She says, “Of course.”

I say “Even if I cheated on you?”

She says, “Well, no.”

I say, “Well then, how could you love me forever?”

She says, “Because you haven’t cheated on me.”

I say, “Exactly. All you can say is that yes, I will love you forever, in this moment. Or, as of now, I will love you forever, but I don’t know what tomorrow could bring. Love has to be an I love you AND you love me deal, otherwise the rules don‘t apply.”

She says, “I don’t like that very much.”

I say, “Would you like it more if I lied to you?”

She says, “Well, not now, because I would know you are lying. But sometimes lies are best.”

I say, “How do you figure?”

She says, “Like if I walk down the stairs in a dress and ask if I looked fat it in. What would you say?”

I say, “I would say no.”

She says, “Even if you thought I looked fat I in it?”

I say, “Yes.”

(hits him gently) She says, “See, you would lie.”

(laugh) I say, “No.”

She says, “You just said you would.”

I say, “You ‘re mistaking my saying no for my opinion.”

(sigh) She says, “What do you mean?”

I say, “I mean, that obviously no one would put on a dress that they thought they looked fat in. So YOUR answer would be ‘no, I don’t look fat in it.’ And if you are happy with how you look, then I am happy with how you look. I love you for you, and not how slim you look in a dress.”

She says, “I love you.”

I say, “Forever?”

She says, “Right now.”

(kisses me)

A Man of God

She says, “Chris, I think you are an amazing guy and I love so many things about you. I think you are absolutely gorgeous but our lifestyles are so different, you know?”

I say, “No. I don’t know. Explain.”

She says, “You party and stuff and I’m against it pretty much and I’m devoting my life to God and I just don’t see the same desire from you.”

I say, “I share the same desire but I go about achieving it a different way. I try to live my life to my best to make the world a better place you live you life to your best to serve God better.”

She says, “Those are completely different.”

I say, “Only the intention. My intention is to better the world because it needs bettering, your intention is to serve God and get into heaven. In fact my intentions seem slightly less selfish in fact.”

She says, “You are being ridiculous.”

I say, “The difference between you and I on a religious stand point is that I refuse to follow something so important blindly. I see too many ‘Christians’ follow God and Jesus because they only look at the part of the bible that says follow Jesus with all your heart and serve him. They miss the whole point. It’s what’s in your heart. Dedicating your life to a God you don’t understand is pointless and easy. You say I’m not good for you because I told you I wasn’t a Christian a while ago. But didn’t you listen when I explained why? I told you that I think religion is an all or nothing deal. I hate people that pick and choose from different religions to make their own little religion where everything is just the way they want it to be. That makes religion easy. For instance, take the Christian bible. Let’s say a person decides they don’t agree with ONE SINGLE PART of the bible, like they don’t think Jonah got swallowed by a whale, but believes everything else. Well the fact that they shot down the Jonah story, means that EVERY part of the bible could be false. If Adam and Eve didn’t exist, then what’s to say Jesus didn’t rise from the dead? You see my point? If one part is false, all of it could be false, so it needs to be an all or nothing. I don’t know everything I know about Christianity for me to be worthy of spreading the word of God to others. If I call myself a Christian, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT, otherwise I make Christians look bad. Too many Christians turn people AWAY from God because they call themselves Christians when they have absolutely no idea of what they are talking about besides the fact that they know that they need to believe in God or else they are damned. I’m just trying to not make that mistake so I am questioning it and learning and taking it slowly to be sure not to miss anything before I decide to devote my life to something that can’t be proven.”

She says, “For me it’s a relationship, not a religion.”

I say, “But do you marry someone you don’t know? No, you hang out with them. Test them. Question them. Then when you feel ready you take it to the next level.”

She says, “I want to be with someone who is working towards the same goal.”

I say, “I AM WORKING TOWARD THE SAME GOAL! I just refuse to label myself a worthy servant of God prematurely. You call yourself a Christian and you are already judging me and telling me I’m a worse Christian than you are.”

She says, “I never said that!”

I say, “Basically you did by saying that you lived for God and that I just party. You sin too but I don’t point it out because it has nothing to do with whether or not you believe in God or not. Everybody sins.”

She says, “I don’t follow God blindly, I follow with faith.”

I say, “How can you have faith in something surreal, meaning improvable and out of our world, without first understanding the world you live in? I choose to know my surroundings before I try to conquer something outside of them. You can’t be a good server of the Lord if you don’t know how to act virtuous in your own life? When I have children, I want them to be raised knowing God, but I can only tell them who he is. Ultimately they have to believe in Him for themselves, otherwise they don’t truly believe and rather are just doing as I say. However, that faith in God MUST go hand in hand with REASON and RATIONAL. If you have a knowledge of how the world really works, and still believe in God, then THAT is faith. It is easy to look at the sun with ignorance and think that God must have burned it in the sky, but when you realize how it really got there, God seems less real. But choosing to have faith that he still exists even after knowing your world is built from reason and rational and from searching extra hard for places where his work can be found, you have real faith, not blind faith.”

She says, “Well it doesn’t seem like you give it your all.”

I say, “I DO give it my all, but right now I don’t give my all to SERVE God, I give it my all to KNOW God first.”

She says, “Well you believe in God, I live for God. Huge difference.”

I say, “How can you think like that? How can you be so judgmental of someone trying to find your God? I am saying that I want to be sure in what I live for and you condemn me for it? How dare you! At least I am pointed in the same direction and believe in YOUR GOD and not Allah or worse yet nothing! It says in the bible that God will spew a luke warm Christian from his mouth. I just don’t want to be that Christian. First comes knowing, then comes serving, and don’t try to say that you skipped the knowing stage because that’s impossible.”

She says, “We are not on the same page.”

I say, “But we ARE. I don’t see why you think I’m so bad! I GO to church! I was a leader in the Mill! I helped with a bible study! I was in two worship bands at two churches! I go to youth group! I even defend God in a religious debate! Every song I wrote about you had God in it! And then you tell me I’m not a Christian!? What are YOU doing for your God!?”

She says, “I need someone to grow with me, not be in that questioning stage. I need a man of God. I’m not saying you can’t be but right now you are not.”

I say, “Fine, you go find your “man of God,” but I think you will find that I am closer to that definition than most you will meet. The only difference being I refuse to bullshit myself into saying I know more about God than I really do. I want a family, I want love. I help people less fortunate than I, and seek out people to learn from.”

She says, “Chris I know you are a good guy, and I think you have a great heart. I really like you but I just don’t think it will work.”

I say, “Whatever you won’t even try. And even if you did try, I don’t think you would let it work because you would want the ‘I told you so.’ Why did you think it would work out with your last boyfriend?”

She says, “Because he had a heart for God.”

I say, “AND IT DIDN’T WORK OUT! My point exactly. You need more then just a man of God, you need a man that loves you! And I could be that man!”

She says, “See we don’t agree on this.”

I say, “And the CRAZIEST part of all this is WHY you had problems with your last boyfriend! He was being a GOOD CHRISTIAN and didn’t have sex with you! And you condemned him for it! And now you condemn me for NOT being enough like HIM?!”

She says, “How dare you tell me my sins. I know my sins. We all have them. Seriously stop telling me how I feel and what I do. You have no idea why he and I broke up! Don’t speak on things you don’t know!”

I say, “I only know what YOU told me and what YOU complained about! You even said to me ‘If he doesn’t get more intimate, I will leave him.”

She says, “I never claimed to be perfect. The second I tell anyone I’m a Christian I am immediately labeled a hypocrite. Just because I’m Christian doesn’t make me perfect.”

I say, “I didn’t think you were a hypocrite when you said you were a Christian. I thought you were a hypocrite when you said you were a better one than I was!”

She says, “I didn’t say that!”

I say, “You indirectly did! Example one- I’m a partier, you’re a follower of God. Example two – I believe in God, you live for him. Huge difference. Example three – Your ex had a heart for God and you gave him a chance. You won’t give me a chance so I don’t have a heart for God.”

She says, “Hahahaha! Stop, Chris. I have high standards, okay? Sorry! I know what kind of man God has for me. My Dad and Grandpa are not perfect or even close, but I know I will marry a man like them.”

I say, “First of all, there is ANOTHER insult – I don’t meet your high Christian standards! Secondly, you are right. There is a HUGE difference between you and I. You think God is just going to hand you everything you want and need simply by praying hard enough and believing strongly enough. You can’t pray for a job and expect to get it the next day with no effort from you! The OPPORTUNITY for that job MAY come in a series of circumstances God presents you with in which YOU have to ACT upon which MAY result in the job you prayed for. You aren’t going to wake up suddenly next to the perfect ‘man of God’ you so desperately desire! How do you know God didn’t put ME in your life!? A man already on the right road, given that we are both right in our faith, ready to love you! And you refuse him because he isn’t that perfect man of God you think is going to appear? How do you know I couldn’t become that man and screw it up because you refuse to act!”

She says, “The most attractive thing in a man is his walk with the Lord. I want to be led, not leading.”

I say, “THEN YOU ARE AN IGNORANT CHRISTIAN!! AND THE EXACT KIND I DON’T WANT TO BECOME! Being a Christian or any religious follower for that matter IS LEADING!!!! That is the number ONE duty of a server of CHRIST! TO LEAD PEOPLE TO CHRIST!!! There is yet another example of you wanting someone to do something for you! Someone else can’t lead you to make the right decisions in your life, you have to make them yourself. THE WHOLE POINT that God is trying to convey in His word is that he wants a ONE on ONE relationship with you, that will be built on you personal experiences and on the ways in which you found God in those given experiences! Because of that, it will be UNLIKE ANY OTHER person’s relationship with God! Your relationship with God is your own. It will be different than anyone else’s as will my own. The importance does not lay in that we walk at different paces but rather that we both walk in the same direction together. After being shown the road it is in YOUR hands and after showing someone the road it is no longer in your hands. You don’t need to be led. You need to lead others who do not even know where the road is or who are going the wrong way. God loves us all but he created men and women because we need love from another here in life too. And I could be that person. God created me to love you and you to love me. Don’t worry about my relationship with God and I won’t worry about yours and instead let’s worry about sharing our faith with someone who is lost. If you call yourself a Christian, your job is to lead AND be led. If you call yourself a wife your job is to lead and be led. To love is to lead and be led mutually. THAT is a relationship. To teach and be taught. Being a responsible Christian is LEADING, but nobody is perfect and so we each need to be LED as well. You would teach me and I would teach you.”

She says, “You are done.”

I say, “Why are you ignoring what I have to say? I am only trying to help. You obviously aren’t ready to lead OR be led. Goodnight.”