This must be it. The worst. The bottom of the bottle…How do you convince someone that they are worth being loved? How do you show them that they are your single reason for breathing? God, I want to show her how to live! I want her to see how happy it is; love. I love her, but it’s like a two way mirror. I can only see me trying my hardest to show her ever day that I will love her for the rest of my life, but I can’t see what she’s feeling. I can’t even see it affect her. How do you love someone who doesn’t respond?
The worst part is knowing that her friends are always there with her, laughing and cheering her up, telling her to forget about me. Removing my name, and instead placing the label “that guy from Colorado that drove here” in its place. Her family will no longer appreciate me. I will be forgotten. I’m something they’ll cherish, but learn not to miss.
I try telling her how I feel, and I try not to avoid saying anything in fear of what she might think. Every second I’m not around her, I feel like I’m missing out. She says that I don’t know her, but she is ALL I KNOW. And she thinks I’m a creepy obsessed kid that can’t get enough of her. She thinks Im too nice. Too loving. Honest to God, every time I see her face, every time her eyes hit mine. Every time she smiles because of me, I feel this way. I see her and I picture a happiness that I can’t even explain. I want to give to her and share with her everything that I have and know, I want to share my past, I want to share every detail of my life with her, and I want to hear every detail of hers. I could honestly sit and listen to her talk to me for days about HER. It’s like I crave it, every new thing that I find out about her makes me even more excited to find out something more. It’s like in that movie Big Fish. It’s like, just learning something as insignificant as her middle name makes my day worth it.
Those feelings faded from her the moment I showed up at her door. People always look better from a distance, or in the failing light, but when they are right there, looking you in the eye, you notice their flaws. Suddenly, Im not enough anymore. I am desperately trying to find her again but she doesnt want t be found. I am not waiting for her because I THINK I will find it in her, its because I NEED to find it in her. Every single thing about her in my eyes is perfect. Her friends dont understand. They tell me shes not worth it. They tell me all these flaws, and how not big of a deal it is, but they dont understand that to me she is flawless. To me she is heaven, despite all the dirt, she shines through it all in my mind. Her outlook on life, her value of friendship, her need to do things herself, like take out my splinter, and make my canned soup. How she loves scary movies, but hates to be scared in real life. The color of her toenail polish, the smell on her clothes. Her smile, her laugh. The way she looks different in every picture. And how she sleeps until 5 p.m. every day, do I need to go on? I notice everything about her! And everything she tells me about her life, and everything that has happened to her, I wish I could relive it and be a part of it, but instead I just pretend. And I want more than anything to create new memories with her and share them and look back on them with her happy, and I know that’s something I can do with her as a frien, but something inside me wants more. not lustful more, I just don’t want to be the one she shares stuff with before she goes home to the one she really loves at the end of each day. I want to hold her, support her, kiss her, and embrace her. I know I could give her the things she needs, but I feel that she doesnt want it to be me that gives her those things. Her distancing herself from me is not going to prevent her from hurting. It’s just going to prolong it. Love hurts at first, its scary as hell, but then it is forever breathtaking.
And I have always been so scared to say whats on my mind, and what my heart is feeling, because I am afraid of what it would mean if I failed. Failure keeps me locked up, and safe. But right now I am saying FUCK all that. Fuck failing again. I dont want her to worry about anything but what she feels. If me leaving her alone for a while right now is what it would take, then I’ll do it. As long as I know shell still be there when the dust clears. She stays locked in herself, going back to abusive ex-boyfriends in fear that she won’t find anything better that will have her. Dont hold back. I want to tell her right now that I would leave my life for her and if it called for it, my home, BECAUSE I AM HAPPIER AROUND HER and I know that I would find it all again and more in HER. I don’t even really know why or where that comes from sometimes, but I have never been happier than when I’m around her, just her and me. She tells me “maybe if the timing had been different things would have gone differently.” To HELL with that concept, she is no better than me if she thinks that way, stopping what she thinks could be right in fear of hurting someone else.
I am begging her on my knees to tell me how she REALLY FEELS, even though it may be too late, because she may have moved on and tried to find those feelings in someone else. She doesnt feel like she deserves ANYTHING MORE THAN CONTENTMENT! I say go for gold, don’t go for happy, or happier, go for happiest. And I see that I could have that in her, and I really think that maybe she sees that she could have that in me but is too afraid of what that could mean.
Every day I see it happening to someone, every day I see someone reach that happiest state, and I want it for me so bad. I see old couples holding hands and I think of how far they have come with that person that they are holding hands with, and how many memories they have had together and how many struggles and confusions and I wonder when it was, when they first held hands. When they first reached out to one another, despite all the doubt and logic telling them that it wasn’t what was best. And I think to myself that those times are now, with her and me, the seeds that could grow to something incredible, or die out before it began, but we will never know unless we lift that finger toward the other person, and open our arms and let them in close, where we are most vulnerable.
I always compare myself to my friends, and others around me, and the only aspect I can think of me not doing that would be that every little skill I have, I want it to be for her, to better us, to bring me closer to her, and her to me. Every little thing I’m good at, I want to be good at so that I can share it with her, I want to sing to her, and write about her, and play the little guitar I know for her, and NOT because it makes me feel better about myself or builds my confidence, it’s because I like to see her smile, and those things make her smile, and she deserves them. And the thing that sets it apart from every other relationship I’ve ever had is that I don’t expect anything back from her. Just a glance my way or a smile makes it all worth it. I want to give and give and give because giving to her is what I feel like my purpose is, my reason for breathing, and I feel selfish whenever I do something that isn’t for her. I don’t even know how these feelings came to me so fast, maybe it is the storybook love at first sight” thing that I’m feeling, I don’t know, but I do know that something is there and it’s worth fighting for. It’s worth exploring and worth taking the time to discover more. It kills me that I haven’t had a means of putting in that time, the time that is necessary to get to know someone, and distance keeps her and me so far apart physically, but it shouldnt keep us apart emotionally. But I gave it my all to give her that time we needed. Even when it meant driving across three states only to have to turn around with less than I started with.
She felt something for me once, and I know it was real. And every night I pray that that moment will come back. The moment she said she loved me. That was the most perfect moment of my life, hearing her comfort in my voice, and I want to comfort her with my voice every night like that. It’s so not about how hot I think she is or anything like that, or I that think I deserve her or she deserves me, it’s just that it all is so right, so why question that? No matter how I look at it, what angle I view it from, I can’t see anything bad coming from her. I am standing here with open arms telling her that I would give her my all and everything that I am, and I would say that to her face if I thought it would stand for something… But I can’t keep it up; I can’t live my whole life trying to get my point across to her. If she sincerely doesnt see anything in me worth making a sacrifice for or taking a step that she feels is risky or uncomfortable, then I will never be worth it, and I have to move on, which means that it will be hard for me to see her with someone else, if not impossible. Although, I would support her because I love her and want her to be loved. But it would be hard seeing that, wishing that I could give her the things he was. But I would live with it because I would have to, because I would want to be as close to her as I possibly could.
She told me that writing was my strong point, so maybe it will help me reach for the stars, maybe it will help me take that leap of faith off a thousand foot cliff, hoping to God that she will catch me, kind of like the ending in the movie Hitch. I am willing to give up everything hoping that I will find it all again and more in her, but it all lies in her and whether or not she wants to catch me or watch me fall, sincerely wishing me a happy landing. I don’t want her to think that I would die without her, because in no means is that true, but fuck the don’t jump at opportunities thing. I see this one, right here, right now, and why wait? How many times do we say, oh well it will come again so why worry? How many times do we sit back and watch our opportunity fade and watch it open for somebody else and work out for them. If you think like that, you are no better that the guys from dumb and dumber, when the bus of girls drives by and they tell them to go to the city and then say “oh well, we will catch our break, we just gotta keep our eyes open…” How many buses have past both of us? And we just send it on down the road to find someone else? Well my eyes are open now, and I see her. Fuck what anybody thinks.
I’m not saying it’s now or never, because I don’t think that’s ever the case, but I am so worried that she will find someone that she’s only content with and will be too afraid to end it with them in fear that it was the wrong decision. If someone comes around that does make her feel more loved than I make her feel, then I will be completely happy for her, but until then I worry, she deserves so much more than she thinks she does, and I want to give it to her, but that’s only for me, I cant make her feel anything. Hopefully this meant something and will let her know a little more about my situation. Every poem and song I wrote about her all can be found in what I am trying to get across here. I know that I want these feelings in her more than anything, but I have to realize that maybe it can’t happen. I want to remember lying with her out with the deer, lol. Watching gross movies with her, cuddling with her, talking to her for hours, talking to her on msn messenger and finding out more about her. Time stands still when I’m with her, and everything we ever did together seems to have happened in one instance and I don’t want that moment to end, I want this moment forever with her, and I want to make more memories like those with her, and not memories of her wishing me away and erasing me out of her life.
Anyway, that was my leap and I hope she will take hers, but maybe shes not ready, and maybe this was all for nothing and she really has forgotten me already. But think of this as my “running down the aisle at the last minute screaming I OBJECT at the top of my lungs” scene. We tested the water. IT WAS WARM, now lets jump in! I can only leave her with this.
Love isnt finding the perfect person; its seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
I love you, if you are still there to be loved.
