Finding Neverland

I have been thinking about why I am never motivated. Why I am never motivated to try harder in school, or make more money. And I sat, trying to think for so long, until my mind drifted off I wasn’t there anymore. That’s when I realized. I am never here. I mean, rarely. I interact with my surrounding, but they aren’t what they really are. My friends are heroes. My parents are elders. My teachers are wizards. My siblings are princes. I can’t concentrate because:Because when I go to school, I’m at a CIA business meeting.

Because when I drink some water, it goes down like a potion.

Because when I look in the mirror, I’m a hero.

Because when I see a bully, I see Captain Hook.

Because when I eat, it’s at the round table.

Because when I hear a song, I am the singer.

Because when I’m cut myself, it’s from the lunge from a sword.

Because when I’m happy, I hear a song in my mind.

Because I can see myself as if I am floating ten feet above.

Because when I read a book my surroundings disappear.

Because when I look at clouds, I see movies,

Because when I sit down, it’s a throne.

Because when I get a vaccination, it’s the truth serum shot.

Because when I see a dog, I can hear it talk.

Because when I am alone, I am the center of attention.

Because when I am the center of attention, I can’t distinguish a single face.

Because when I sing a song, I can see the notes.

Because when I am on the phone, it’s on a reality show.

Because when I drive, I’m on a racetrack.

Because when I look at the stars, I am weightless.

Because when I turn on a light, I see a fairy.

Because when the lights are off, I fear monsters.

Because when I write, I don’t have to think about the next word.

Because when I walk down the street, it is in slow motion.

Because when I hug my parents, I am a child.

Because when I hug a child, I am a father.

Because when I cry, the room floods.

Because when I am lost, I am an explorer.

Because when I go into the woods, I am Indiana Jones.

Because when I run, I am being chased.

Because when I am in a dead field, I can smell the roses.

Because on the top of Pikes Peak, there is a castle.

Because when I have a quarter, I bite it to make sure it is real gold.

Because when I pray, I can hear God say thank you.

Because when I look at my future, I am successful.
No matter where I am, I find a way to escape it. Almost like that disease, autism, like reality exists, but only in the way I choose to perceive it, and in my perceived reality, school and money don’t matter. I always feel like something more is calling me, and it isn’t where I am now. But I don’t even no where to begin looking.
But then I realized I DO know where to look. I do it all the time! It’s love! Love of a girl I meet. All the sudden, my little fantasies disappear, and all I can see is her beautiful face. All of the sudden making her happy, and seeing her smile again, replaces all of the made up worlds in my mind. Reality has never been good enough for me. It was always a big let down. A big disappointment, so I’d leave in my imagination. But then, when I fall in love, all of the sudden, real life is worth it. Reality is better than my dream, if I can have real love in it. In my imagination, nobody wakes up thinking about me. Nobody falls asleep with me as their last thought, but the person that loves me does that.
So when I am single, I fall apart. I just leave. I am on auto pilot, until another face catches my attention.
And then, when that face catches my attention, I create a fairytale. And I do a damn good job. In fact, such a good job, that the girl falls in love with the fairytale I created, and not me. And then, when they see through the fairytale, which usually takes around six months, suddenly I am just not that amazing anymore.

What Is Me?

This is a diary. This is a diary meant to be found and read. . . by you. Which makes it a letter, I guess. A letter telling you everything that makes me feel, which makes it a confessional of sorts. I told you I wish you knew me. I told you that the people you compared me to, were not like me at all. I also told you that I would explain, but I’m not very good at talking. I’m a better writer, and that is why I am writing you this.

I know what you are thinking right now. Call me psychic, but I would guess that right about now you are wondering how many letters just like this I have written to how many girls? The world maybe? All the girls I’ve kissed? The answer is none. I have never written a letter like this one. None of the things I have written are alike, at least in terms of what inspired them. They may say roughly the same thing, for instance “I love you,” is the same as “I love you.” But if the first one was said to a grandma and the other to a wife, they hold completely different meanings.

This is not meant to try and woo you, I don’t mean for this to make you feel anything good or bad about me. This isn’t just the first step to the “game” you think I may have mastered. This is just what has keeps me going, and if you want to go on more dates with me, you might want to know these things. Maybe this will answer the questions that you will ask later. You may laugh. Maybe you’ll cry. Or maybe you will just read this and not listen to what is being said in it, and you will feel nothing. I don’t expect you to.

I’m telling you what makes me feel, and I’m not going to avoid saying anything in fear of what you might think. But before you start reading the good stuff below, don’t make ANY assumptions before you finish, because I know you like to do that, but not everything is put into context right away so be patient.

Alright. I am going to just start with who I really am, which makes me kind of nervous, cause maybe you won’t like that person at all, but if that’s the case, I should stop trying anyway. Then I will answer your question. How many times have I been in love?

I know from our text conversations that you must think I could be anyone. You said it yourself, that it is hard to trust someone that you have not really met. You also probably DIDN’T say that it is hard for you to trust someone that seems to know how to say the right things or that has “kissed the world.” Maybe you think I am a liar. Maybe a fake. Maybe a drama king. But really none of that is it at all.

What is me? I know who I am, but I’ll never be able to tell you. You will just have to find out on your own. I know when I tell the truth, even though I will never be able to show you when that is. You will just have to trust me on your own. I really can’t convince you of anything. All I can do is hope. Hope that you will realize that this is me. Everything I say here has never been so me, and it’s not meant to be dramatic.

What is me? I’m the geek, the jock, the drama nerd, the deep guy, the quiet guy, the outgoing guy. I am everyone. I think we all are. I am everything which makes it hard to see the real me when you look at me through the eyes of today’s world, which is full of stereotypes and categorizing. We place people into groups by what we see at first, and never bother to see the geek in the jock, or the hero in the nerd. We just assume they are what they are. But I promise you, I am here. Right here, with you. I am not somewhere else but pretending to be interested. I AM interested, but just like you don’t know me, I don’t know you, and you have no idea the excuses I COULD have to say that I will never trust someone again. But I don’t think like that. Everyone is different, and it is only my past that makes me assume that they are just like all the other people that let me down. You may let me down, but I hope not, cause I like you. I wouldn’t be taking my time writing this if I didn’t. J

I am me. I am not a guy. I am not a man. I am not a girl either, lol, don’t start worrying. My point is, I am me. I don’t wake up in the morning and say, “I am man, watch me fit this mold today.” I get up and say, “I am me, watch me live.”

What is me? The outgoing guy? I’m this guy around people I don’t know. I try to get to know everybody, and be nice to everybody, and give everyone a fair chance.

The jock? I’m this guy because my friends are jocks. They are all athletic and if I didn’t share something in common with them, it would be harder to fit in with them. I work out only to play football with them. I jog to keep up with them. For every hour they practice, I practice five. I have to, to be able to keep up. I probably would not be in shape if it weren’t for them. It never had anything to do with looks.

The quiet guy? This comes more from keeping my feelings to myself. When I am hurt emotionally, I don’t usually talk about it. I will help you with your problems, I will help others, but I always have dealt with mine on my own. I don’t like people to see my weaknesses. But I realize that those weaknesses come from wanting to be alone in dealing with them. For instance, pride. I once was asked in church what my greatest sin was. I said, my pride. Not in an “I’m better than you,” sort of way. But more just that I like to take credit in the things that I do, and not give credit to a team, or God. I have definitely gotten over most of it. I learned the hard way. You see, when you want to win alone, even when you win, you are still alone. You have no fans, and only yourself to enjoy the glory, and it is the saddest life. I don’t ever want to go back to it. I want to share everything I do with the people I love, and give them credit for everything I have become.

The hopeless romantic? This is probably the most me, but not because I’m a player or a womanizer. I just love, love. Love is purpose, love is life, the reason why we are here, and if I fail at everything in life, I will be happy if I have mastered love. We are here because God loves us, and that is it. He didn’t create life for his success. Not for wealth, not for entertainment. Just love. I was once asked in an interview/survey what my purpose in life was. I said “To love and be loved.” And that’s it really. I get a job so I can maintain the ability to give the one I love everything I can, and my children that I will love a better chance to succeed. Love drives my writing and my music. I go to school to learn to better myself so that I will in turn learn to love better. I will explain what love is to me later.

And the geek? Laugh, if you will, but this is important to me, almost like a little fantasy that I have made real. I know you will laugh, but laugh at the circumstance, and not the point I am making. When we were younger, Luke and I played this video game Final Fantasy 7. I’m not a video game nerd, lol, but listen. In the game, the character falls in love with one of the other ones. I know, typical, but how it was told in this story is different. They never say it. Not once. But you know they are. Never once do they say, “I love you,” but it is in everything that they say. She dies later, and then it shows clearly. He says, “She will never laugh again. Never cry or get angry. She will never say my name again, and she will never hear me say hers.”

Sure, you could argue that if you never love, you will never lose love. But if you never love, how can you matter in the world? Nobody will truly love you if you don’t have love for them back. Nobody but God, and that is why we have everything to learn from him. We need to love to have purpose.

With the game thing, I know it was retarded, and I am definitely not saying that I want to find somebody like out of a video game, or have a storybook romance. That would be stupid, lol. What I’m saying is have you ever listened to a band with a male singer, but you don’t know what the singer looks like? Have you ever read a book with a male character, but it doesn’t really describe him in detail? You come up with somebody in your head, and it’s usually the same guy. With me, every time I hear a song, or read a book, or play……….a game, I picture somebody in my head. I can’t describe to you what that person looks like, in fact, it’s more of a feeling that they simple are. They exist, somewhere in the back of your mind and heart. I want to know who that is. Maybe it is like you said… the soul mate we are all searching for. Why have I never met that person?

I am not saying that you are that person, but I’ve always felt that there should be a feeling. That feeling where you just know something is there, without having to ever say, “I love you.” But it is as real as life, and as apparent as light in a tunnel. You just know, you matter. And they know they matter. You matter to me, Meghan. And that is something that you can’t change now, no matter what you decide to do after reading this haha. Unless you change my mind, which sadly, does happen most of the time. If not, we would all be married to the first people we met, I’m not going to lie to you and sugar coat that. Nobody knows if they will like somebody forever. Not until forever is over. I will explain where that mentality comes from in a bit. But my point is you matter. To me.

I want you to be sure of yourself. I want to show you that you can relax and be you, and all of you and not have to worry that I will take advantage of your vulnerability. I know how girls feel about opening up.

What is me? Me is scared. What if I don’t give you the things that you need? What if I’m not good enough? What if all of me, isn’t enough? I never give anything less than all of me, but sometimes it still isn’t enough.

So. How many people have I been in love with. This is where I want you to let me finish before you make assumptions. I believe love is what you make it. Love is always real, every time you think it is. You tell me. Which do you think hurts more in terms of heart ache? For two children, who all they ever did was hold hands, but thought that it was true love and believed it with all their hearts to break up? Or a married couple of five years to divorce? I would argue that the pain in their hearts, at the initial moment of the break up, would be near the same. So the answer to your question is what I told you the other day. I have been in love as many times as I have said it. And I don’t just say it out of pity or because they said it to me. I say it when I feel it is real. But you want a number. I don’t know why that matters. Love is different every time. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been in love fifty times, or never, when I tell you I love you, I will love you, and it will be real.

But you still want a number. So. Four times. I have said I love you to four different people other than family and friends, that at that point in my life, meant the world to me. The first was a girl named Tember. Her story is why I know that you can never be sure if you will be with someone forever, even if you love them. If they don’t love you, there is nothing you can do. She would ask me all the time. “Promise you will be with me forever.” I would smile and say, “I promise.” Then she cheated on me with the guitar player of our band/one of my best friends/Parker, the one who went to the movies with us. She never told me, and I found out by a letter to him she misplaced. She blamed me, and that the trust was gone in our relationship because I looked at her letter. Not because she cheated on me. Not because she told me she loved me, and expected that I would still love her no matter what she did. That is NOT true. That is taking advantage of the power of love, and is one of the only things that destroys it.

So what happened? I sought help. And I found it. I found Heather. Yes, heather is the one that was with Parker at the movies. I met Heather and she made the pain seem to go away. She comforted me and had an answer to every question I could ever ask. She made me strong again, and I grew to love her so much. More than I thought possible. But I was too afraid to tell her that at the time. I just remained her friend, until she met Parker at a party we had. I saw how Parker looked at her, knowing already that I loved her. I begged him. I said “Please don’t do this. You already took Tember from me. You already won. Don’t take her from me.” He said that he couldn’t help who he liked, so he asked her out. Before she said yes, I wrote her a letter confessing how I felt. Had I given that letter to a stranger on the street, they probably would have married me right then. She said she didn’t know. I showed the letter to Parker, and told him that if he felt exactly the way I did. That strongly for her, to go ahead and ask her out, but if not, that he not dare do that to the one I loved. He said, and I quote. “I feel ditto.” And that was that. He asked her out and they have been together for the past year and a half.

The other two came after that, and they were long relationships, but I won’t bore you. But I will say that my heart was there. But the previous two were the defining moments of my life. Why I became obsessed with love. Why I will never become that guy that ruins it for all the rest. Parker through Heather out of the car and left her stranded at 3 a.m. in the cold on the side of the road. So much for his “ditto.”

I live to create a fairy tale because I know I can make it exist if I believe it does. I can show you a fairy tale, and I can show you that it isn’t fake, but can be real.

Why could I be wrong? Well in every movie you have ever seen, love is so strong there. But that is because it concentrates on the highlights. It only shows huge fights, and huge romances. It never shows them having boring, late night conversations with each other. It never shows them standing in line, or sleeping in the middle of the night. It never shows the little fights and arguments. It never shows what each person had to give up to make it work. It just worked. But I don’t want a movie, I just want you. I want to live my story, not Hollywood’s. I want to be the happiest I can be in this moment. Life is only moments, I don’t live a stretch of time. Each defining moments in my life is all I see, and they seem timeless.

Every day I see it happening to someone, every day I see someone reach that happiest state, and I want it for me so bad. I see old couples holding hands and I think of how far they have come with that person that they are holding hands with, and how many memories they have had together and how many struggles and confusions, and I wonder when it was, when they first held hands. When they first reached out to one another, despite all the doubt and logic telling them that it wasn’t what was best. And I think to myself that those times could be now, with you and me. The seeds that could grow to something incredible, or die out before it began.

How many times do we say, oh well it will come again so why worry? How many times do we sit back and watch our opportunity fade and watch it open for somebody else and work out for them. If you think like that, you are no better that the guys from dumb and dumber, when the bus of girls drives by and needs two oil boys and they tell them to go to the city and then say “oh well, we will catch our break, we just gotta keep our eyes open…” How many buses have past both of us? And we just send it on down the road to find someone else? Well my eyes are open now, and I see you.

I want to see you. Don’t worry about my past, besides the fact that it defined who I am NOW. I want to make highlights with you. I want to have conversations. I want to give up something so that you can replace it with something more like you, and I want you to want to do the same. I want to trust you. I want to make you smile. I don’t want you to think I need you. I want you to wish I needed you, but realize that we need each other, and it isn’t just a one way street. I am not the wall you hold onto, and you are not mine, our dependency would be a picture of us back to back between separate cliffs. I don’t want you to think I am desperate for you, but realize instead that is just because I care enough to make it seem like I am. I want you to see other guys and think that I am different. I want you to see me.

Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they’re right beside you and yet you can’t have them? Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you hadn’t or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest to say. And don’t be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do they might break your heart but if you don’t you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were afraid of losing what you had with that person? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn’t. You can’t tell your heart what to do; it does it on its own when you least expect it or even when you don’t want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled because we’re too afraid to care too much for fear that the other person doesn’t care as much or at all. Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever or fell for your best friend in the entire world and then just sat around and watched her fall for someone else? Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we’re afraid, afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid about what will be found out about us but every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and requires you to jump. Don’t be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have had or could have had. No one waits forever.

This is me, without fake. This is me, when I think of you. It’s up to you “not to mess it up.” – Hitch. lol just kidding. Let’s give it a shot is what I’m saying, and if it doesn’t work out, then we will worry about that when it happens. Right now, I just want to enjoy the smile I have when I think of you.

Influenced in Manner by Shakespear

     “Oh do I find sensuality knocking on my door again? Or does it enter without welcome, but knowing the way in? To shut this door completely leaves me alone, but to open it invites this harlot to me.”
     “But of curse me! For harlots look too for love! And as a harlot to me, a sweet rose it will be, when the blossom ignored and what’s shared is the thorns.”
     “Oh my, as my façade melts so does the sun, and shadows now mask scars. To be hidden again as the moon hides from midday.”
     “Patience, oh virtue is it not! Lest a form of torture! For as I lay writhing in coiled binds of lies, I know release could find me, maybe not. But what say doth one have in a subject he not understand?”
     “Is there not a point in the day when I may be, or not be visible? I do not wish to hide, but allow wounds to heal. But as alcohol to my gash, it ripens with pain the moment some everlasting gaze fixes upon it and says, ‘Oh, you ugly beast a stay is not advised as I will rip it further if you do not flee.”
     “And so flee as I must, from dawn until dusk, and inside as I cry, not a tear leaves my eye. Do I not even realize I am sad? How can this be? I thought I took long ago off my mask.”
     “Oh, foul fortune! As another lies beneath, as an onion layers away, I assume I do obey.
“To undo my footing on this path leaves me in open air to fall. But now where I land it is up to god. Oh I pray that my feet do hit feathered ground. As thorns I left behind I do wish to avoid.”
     “And as I land, I land blind. This new path useless? Where I have come from useless? No! I must press on!” So blindly stumbling does this poor fool scratch about. Until the very end, he fails, crashes to a pit. He can not get out.”
     “All this is observed by a loving god? Oh I can hear him from my pit. ‘Why did you look down at your feet and not up?”
     “Not up,” I exclaimed, furious now. “If I don’t look at my feet where shall I see the ground?”
     “Oh blame not your feet for where you wound up. The only walk to wherever you want.”
     “I only wanted green grass and cool streams to drink, to find completion in the form of good company!”
     “Oh I would say those desires are grand! But had you not water and friends on the old path? Did thou not care that this is another man’s land? I made a home for you and a home for him, but yours suffice not? So, have the other and know you will not fit in!”

Prequel to a Song

Well, if any of you ever read my blogs, you know they often have to do with relationships. Be it love, or friendship, or hate, it’s all I can write about. I don’t know why, but I am about to find out. This isn’t planned, I just watched a movie and felt like writing. You are about to see my rambling. This is the prequel to any song or philosophy I have ever written. From chaos comes organization, and that organization usually ends up being a song or poem. I usually just look at my life pride myself or pity myself, but in my mind. This time, you are reading my thoughts on paper. Everything I think of I am going to write down, but only the things on topic, lol, if I wrote down everything, the good stuff would be interrupted every two seconds with a thought about food, or sex, or pretending I’m an astronaut in my swivel chair. So, here we go…
I have never kept a journal. I don’t know why, but I regret not doing it earlier, because I really wish I could look back on the moments that changed me. You know, when you are a little kid, you always say you will never grow up. Then you look back at yourself in middle school and you can’t believe how stupid you were. You don’t even think about the time you said in middle school that you would never be like your older sibling, and then there you are, proud to be older. The thing is, all of us change and we never mind because it is who we are. We don’t start slipping into growing up and panic, we just grow, and then always look forward and say we will never be like that. This has always been the case for me except for now. Because I have been thinking about it, I have realized that I am starting to change into the person I never wanted to be. I get upset over really, really stupid things. Little things annoy me. I get all moody sometimes. And sometimes even snap at people. Whenever my mom calls, I always sound like it’s such a bummer to hear from her… I don’t know why I do that. I love hearing from my mom, but I always find an excuse to get off the phone with her. Same with girlfriends. And then I get off the phone with them, and wish they would call me back.
I noticed this happening with the last girl I was with. Like, I really, really liked her. But out of nowhere little things started bothering me. She would kiss me on the ear, and for some reason the urge to throw her off of me had to be fought down. I had to force a smile and kiss her back. Or consciously laugh. I wanted her to do those things, but when she did them, I found myself freaking out in my mind. Seriously, what the fuck, Chris? WHAT? Why do you do that? It’s like a reflex now, but a reflex my mind hates. My mind craved the cute little things she did, but my body hated it.
Another thing that bothers me about me is the need for revenge. I hate revenge, ESPECIALLY in a relationship. If I see somebody in a fight with their boyfriend or girlfriend, and then they choose not to call that person because they want the other to call first and apologize, I want to tell that person to GET OUT NOW because revenge is NOT in any form a part of love. If you really love someone, you should not EVER want them to hurt, be it emotionally or physically. And I see people trying to make the other person say they are sorry all the time. I WANT to be sorry in a relationship. Like truly sorry, regardless if I am right or wrong in the fight. I am not saying we shouldn’t say things that are bothering us, or that fights are bad, but it is what happens afterward. And I find myself all of the time, trying to make the person I care about see that I am right. I try to make them agree with me. I guess I don’t care as much as I thought I did. And usually, I am right. It is always someone that apologizes to me. Either I am right, or they care for me more than I cared for them, and they are willing to just agree for the sake of wanting me to feel better, and I just don’t even notice.
And even when I am right, I feel worse. Even when I AM the one who gets the apology, I feel like shit for making them say it, simply because I wanted them to realize. And when I know I am wrong? I STILL DO IT, lol. SERIOUSLY DUDE! You are an ass. I somehow have mastered manipulation. I can make anybody think I am right, with the right argument. It’s like that movie “Thank You For Smoking.” For those of you who haven’t seen it, GO SEE IT. If you have, then you know what I am talking about. It isn’t about making someone think you are right, it is simply making the other person think that they are wrong. Them thinking you are right comes with that territory. And I hate that I can do that. I do it with my parents. I do it with my friends. I do it with the people I love! I need to get better at loving. And here I thought I was the master… But only in the sense that I know how to make people love me. As soon as they do, I think maybe I lose interest.
Back to my family. Jesus. I take advantage of my family so much. I live in apartment paid for by my dad. My dad pays for my school, my car, my insurance, my groceries, essentially my fun, because I use the leftover money he gives me to go to the movies or out to eat instead of saving it to pay him back. Dad, if you ever read this, I am really sorry for that. I am responsible enough, it’s just that fear of growing up that makes me just decide not to. I think anyway. I don’t even know sometimes. I don’t even know how I can do that to him after he has done so much for me. I think when it comes to parenting, that man has got it DOWN. I mean, I am afraid to upset him and let him down. Not because he will hurt me or punish me, but just because I hate to see the look in his eyes when I do. I hate seeing the look in my moms eyes when I seem ungrateful for something she has given me. Or the tone in her voice when I tell her it’s late and I have homework to do. I never do the homework.
And the worst part about it all, is one of my roommate does it to me. He doesn’t pay rent. I do. Or my dad does, I guess. He doesn’t pay for food. He is always high. He uses my stuff without asking. He invites people over without telling me. He smokes in my house after I have asked him not to. Once I even came home to him and a bunch of people trading cocaine and marijuana. I don’t think he will ever pay me back. He has chosen to by a car and new cell phone instead of pay me back. But he is my friend. I care about him. And he knows that I won’t throw him out. He knows, I care about him, so I couldn’t have the heart to throw him on the streets. So I feel he just takes advantage of me. I know my dad won’t stop digging me out of holes. I know my mom won’t stop taking me on trips out of the country. Yet I still choose to walk all over them. I am no better than my roommate if not worse, because I preach it, yet pay for it all out of my dad’s pocket.
I don’t get a job because I don’t have to. I have time to get a job. Time to make money and pay my dad off and tell him I love him, but that I can live on my own now. I just consume. I’m sorry mom and dad. I love you, more than anyone in my life. I will keep trying to get better.
Trying to get better. I tell myself that everyday when it comes to school. I am smart. That isn’t to brag. I am not trying to make you all think I am amazing, I just know I am smart enough to get straight A’s in school. I just don’t try. For some reason, not trying and getting a C feels better than trying and getting a D on a paper every once in a while. If I don’t try and pass, I feel a whole lot smarter than if I tried hard and passed. If I don’t try and fail, it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as if I had tried really hard and failed. It always gives me an excuse. “Chris, why did you fail?” “I didn’t try.” That or, “Chris, why did you fail?” “Well, I tried really hard, I guess I failed because I am stupid.” Come on you idiot? You want your band to go somewhere? You want to be rich and famous without trying? IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. And sooner or later, your friends will realize that, and they will realize that you are holding them back, and they will leave you.
Why can’t I motivate myself? I crave for a disaster so that I can ONLY concentrate on staying alive and be justified in doing it. Right now I have plenty of time to stay alive and accomplish a whole lot more, but I only concentrate on staying alive. I have more than just basic needs provided for me. NOW GO HELP THE WORLD.
Brings me to God. I love him and I hate him. I hate him because he makes it so damn hard to believe in him. And NOT because nothing is going right in my life. It is because I should NOT be able do get away with some of the stuff he lets me get away with. Why doesn’t he frickin punish me? Why am I able to slip through life without barely lifting a finger. I have worked hard one week in my life. And that was the week I went to Tijuana to build houses for homeless people, and I did it in his name. But only because the church told me to do it in his name. Really, I just enjoyed the feeling of making them happy. Then I come home, and I am back to putsing around. Maybe if I did more things in my life in the name of God, I would work a little harder and be a little happier. But I never do. I pray every night for God to motivate me. For him to just give me SOME reminder to see him in my life each day. But then in the morning I don’t even think about it. I give myself credit for all the things I succeed in instead of realizing his work in it all.
The other day at youth group we were in discussion groups, and I was asked if I knew that God loved me no matter what I did. If I knew that he would forgive me no matter how many times I turned my back on him. That he loved me even in the times that I hated his guts. And I said yes. Because I do know that. And that is what makes it so damn hard. It would be easy if when I slighted him, he got revenge on me. I would have a reason to keep sinning. But no. He forgives me and I go and do it again. Puts a lot of blame on me and none on him doesn’t it?
And I am a leader at New Life Church, and at the Navigators. What am I thinking? I am not in a position to lead people in christ! In fact, everyone should be leading me! My dad tells me it’s natural, to doubt God, and get mad at God, and question him and all that, but what if I were to die tomorrow? Or right now, we always think of death as a tomorrow away, when in reality I could die of an aneurysm this very second. What if that happened? Would I go to hell? That thought makes me fear death a little, lol.
I am so dramatic but not how you would imagine drama to be like. I don’t make big scenes. I don’t start drama. I am dramatic at heart. Everything to me needs to be extremes. If I slip to a B with no chance of an A, why try anymore? When I clean a room, I won’t stop until it is clean. I can’t just pick up one thing and move on. Everything needs to happen NOW, I have no patience. It is why I save projects until the last day. I would rather do it ALL in a sitting, rather than pace myself. I am a sprinter I guess.
When I like somebody, I want to just start loving them right away. I don’t want to have to wait, so then I fuck it up by rushing, lol. I like someone now. A lot. I think she may think I quote unquote, only like the “Idea” of her, but she would be wrong. I think she may think that I only like her because of her looks. She would be wrong. And when I like someone, my heart LIKES THEM, lol. I can’t partition it well. She probably wants me to meet someone else that would be more convenient for me and more convenient for her to move on, but I CAN’T, lol. I have tried, but I get depressed hanging out with other people because it is forced, and I really only just imagine they are her. I really like her, because of everything about her. I smile when I think of her. Sometimes even laugh. I see her when I close my eyes. I think about her in the morning, and keep myself from calling her too often so that I don’t seem desperate, lol, but I probably STILL call her to often, haha. When I see someone. I mean, someone that I really like, I can’t move on until I at least try to make it work. And I do TRY, lol. Relationships without trying are pointless. They are a waist of time, and not trying puts you in the habit of not trying. If you go into a relationship half assed, and then that person upsets you, you probably won’t try to fix it, you will just leave. And if you get in that habit, when you meet someone you really like, and they upset you for whatever reason, you will probably leave, because you won’t know how to handle it.
The last person I was with, I was in it half assed. And not because I wanted to, but because she did. She just wanted this kind of, off and on thing, where we liked each other but didn’t need each other, and sure enough, a problem arose, and we both just gave up. I WANT to WANT to FIX a PROBLEM! I don’t like that it doesn’t really bother me. I wasn’t even that sad! Why? Because I forced my heart not to be there because she wanted it that way. Had my heart been there, I would not have moved on so easily and would have tried to make it work again. And also, then they start to think that I just used them. I would never use anyone.
I know another person who thinks I used her. She thinks I only liked her and then found someone I liked more and ditched her. I didn’t mean to do that. Really, I was trying to make my heart belong to someone again, but it was more forced than received. And I realized that, and couldn’t bare trying to hold onto her longer.
And this goes to anyone I have ever broken up with. I loved you. I never faked anything toward anyone. It’s just, my main goal in life is to grow mature in love. And that means expanding my definition. And when I reach the dead end, where I need to move on because I am being held back, and when I still want that person in my life, I don’t know what to do. I have to force myself to let go, but I usually wait to long, and it ends up hurting them. I am sorry.
The more I think about this, the more this whole thing sounds like a suicide letter, lol. Don’t worry, I’d never kill myself. Why? All for the wrong reason, lol. It’s not fear. It is because of pride. I want to live a long life so that I can say that I lived longer than some of the people I know, and that is why I have a lot to learn. That is why I need to see God in my life more often. That is why I need to pay my parents back, and truly be thankful for what I have.
I am thankful for you Dad. I am thankful for you Mom. I am thankful for you Luke, and Parker, and Kyle, and Chris. I am thankful for you Kristen. I am thankful for you Jenny. I am thankful for you Lacie. And most of all, I am thankful that God put all those people in my life.